Mamma Town

The Way It Should Be

2012-01-27T00:12:00.000-06:00

I used to run to my computer at the end of the day, waiting to gush about every interaction, every event, every story from that day....... it all got dumped into my blog.

But lately, somethings changed.

I'm still taking pictures.
I'm still video taping.
I'm still doing all the daily tasks I always did, just multiplied by two.

Only now, I'm allowing myself to really live the moments and not worry about how I'm going to document them. I used to have this feeling that if I didn't "blog" or journal about my day...that meant it didn't happen. Like the day itself was erased if it didn't find it's way to a piece of paper or the Internet.

I'm deciding I'm not going to be ruled by my guilt when it comes to documenting our lives. At the end of my life, I'm not bringing my blog or my journals with me. Every memory, every story, every giggle, every tear- lives inside me. It's a part of my bones now.

It is me.

And because I am one with my memories, they can't be erased. And because I don't have the time to write them down means I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing. I'm living my life. It was just becoming too emotionally exhausting for me to sit and stress about not blogging. And the more I thought about it, the more I realized something about what it meant to me. My girls aren't going to look back on our lives and wish I'd done more blogging for them. They aren't going to say, "Gosh I wish mom would have written more about our childhood."

What will matter to them, is that I was there.

I want to be so present in their lives that they can't remember a day of their childhood without me. I want to be a force of energy that influenced them so greatly. I want them to remember a mother who was a teacher and loving caregiver who played with them.

I don't want them to remember the back of my head staring at a bright screen, tap tap tapping on a keyboard while I write about their lives.

So I come here when the wind blows me. When the stars line up just so and my heart feels like it has something to share. This place will transform into many things for me I have a feeling.

Right now:

Ava is almost 6 months old.
Six. Months. Old.

That is unbelievable. And this time, I get it. I get how fast this is going to go. I have my experience with Sophie to lean on this time. I stood by the sidelines watching her, mouth open in awe at how fast her baby days were zipping by me. It was remarkable how fast it went. This time, I'm soaking up every baby goodness moment I can. I'm sniffing her neck all day. I'm squishing her chunky thighs as much as I can. I'm holding her little body until my arms ache, because I know...before I know it, the babe will disappear.

And I'm in the race again.

The race against that damn baby stealer I hate so much: Time.

Time is an asshole and I kind of hate him.

He sneaks in during the night and stretches my babies legs and helps her roll over. He gives her a strong neck so she can push herself up off the floor when she is on her tummy. He helps her to have strong arms so she can almost hold her own bottles. He brings lots of drooling and makes her teeth grow in, which totally changes the shape of her baby face.

He gives my toddler logic and reason which makes for heated discussions at the dinner table about why she can't eat naked. He makes her defiant and we argue about why she can't wear the same spaghetti sauce stained dress she has had on for three days. He makes her very smart, teaching her to use the very curse words she has heard us say to each other in private.

I am so aware and painfully paranoid about how fast my children are growing up. It's a sickness really. I almost wish I didn't know how soon it would be over....these mommy stay at home days with her babies are flying right by me. But for some reason, I do know. I am so alive and connected to the fact that I am living in a sand filled hour glass. And I'm sure God is sick of hearing it, but I thank him every day. Every. Day. I thank him for letting me have the privilege of staying home and raising my girls. It's more of a blessing than I ever imagined.

I'm in a place where I've been before, yet everything is totally different. Ava is such a different spirit than Sophie was. The logistics are the same. The feeding, the napping, the diaper changing. But the energy is totally different.

Ava is a laid back angel. She is so easy going and so gentle. She glides into any room and smiles at anyone who shoots her a grin.

Sophie was a little more intense as a baby. She wasn't as warm to strangers and she was quite a bit more irritated.

And the reason I notice all of this magic is because I'm allowing myself to really be in the moment with these girls.

Our days and hearts are so full of this beautiful life. And I'm not missing out on one second of all this delightful and painful growing up.

The Space I'm In

2011-11-03T21:10:00.000-05:00

So much has changed. More than I ever imagined possible. If becoming a mother was a life changing experience, then becoming a mother of two has transformed me in the ultimate way.

In so many ways, everything is the same. We still eat our breakfast, lunch and dinner at the same time. We still take our baths and read our books at the same time. We still make our trips to Target once a week and we still ignore the laundry pile.

What has transformed.... for me, is my heart.

I didn't know how I would swallow the reality of having another child. Because it was a full decision. A complete and honest and real choice to officially "try" to conceive this time. With Sophie, we were simply playing the "what if" game, not really knowing if it would happen. And it did, right away.

With Ava, it was more of a clear conscience move. After our devastating miscarriage, we knew that no matter how hard it would be....we were going to try again. And again, and again if need be.

My pregnancy was one of total exhilaration and anxiety. It was full of emotions. Excitement that I was blessed to be pregnant, and total terror that I could at any moment- lose the pregnancy. Once I had my miscarriage, pregnancy became something else for me. It became a game of "what now". As much as I tried to embrace it and enjoy it, I was most often, scared to death. Every pain, every cramp, every spot of blood in my underwear, I thought it was the end.

It was a challenge to remind myself to breathe and believe that everything would be okay. And until that very final moment, when I pushed her out into the world and I saw her crying and scrunched up face, it remained with me. As all mother's know, once your baby is born, there is this "I did it" moment. It only lasts for about a minute, just before all of the new worries come along:
Are they deformed?
Do they have all their toes?
Are they deaf?
Are they blind?
Are their lungs okay?
Does their heart pump normally?
Do they have jaundice?
Do they have an infection?
Are they bruised from the delivery?

All of that comes flooding within the first five minutes.

But before that, there is a magical moment where a mom gets to enjoy the fact that she did it. She carried the child and it lived and she is no longer pregnant and all worries about losing the pregnancy can fade away because it's over. And that moment was so remarkable to me because I'd spend 9 months worrying. I really clinged onto it for as long as I could this time because, after losing my previous pregnancy...I doubted daily if I could do it. I know a miscarriage is labeled as "nature", and it is common, but all the statistics in the world can't remove the feeling of loss from a woman once she experiences it. It is a stain that lasts forever, in my world at least. I kind of had this haunting feeling like my uterus was broken and not meant to hold babies anymore. So having a safe and healthy delivery was half of my accomplishment right there.

And of course, a new avalanche of worries has replaced my deep seeded miscarriage fears. I now worry about SIDS and if she's eating enough and all of the other newborn terrors I totally forgot all about.

But more than anything, I'm shocked at how different my soul is. By entire being as a whole. I, of course worried how I would have enough love to spread around. I worried if Sophie would feel neglected and how my husband would get any attention or my sad kitty cat. I thought it would be a game of ping pong over here, with me bouncing around from person to person hoping to give everyone equal shares of me (aka love).

And the most ironic part, is that there isn't less love. There's more. More than I ever imagined possible. I thought loving a new child would be like opening a new window in the house, and letting in more light. It was like God knocked down the entire wall of our house and the love is so bright it's blinding.

Ava just fits right in. That is something I never expected. Her addition was so subtle and soft, it was like we were silently waiting for her and we didn't even know it. Every one of us anticipates her and welcomes her in every daily situation. It wasn't nearly as drastic of a change as it was when Sophie was born. Every single one of us is better because she's here. Watching Sophie love her so unconditionally, with absolutely no aggression or anger toward her at all, has made me swell with pride. The total and complete adoration Sophie has for Ava is one of the greatest blessings about this whole experience for me. There are no words to describe what a mother feels when she watches her children express love for each other. It's Glory in the highest form.

The rewards have been endless. Every giggle, every smile, every burp from our little nugget is celebrated. She is true to her middle name, an endless joy in our world.

I'm in the space of knowing my purpose is real, and we've created two human beings who remind me daily.

I'm in the space of smelly diapers and poopy blow outs the drip down my babies legs and I run screaming into the bathtub.

I'm in the space of trying to remember to validate my toddler, as I've been forced to realize she is not longer my "baby." She needs more emotional encouragement and attention from me, which can be completely exhausting.

I'm in the space of dinner time melt downs and time-outs all while a burping baby is bouncing in my arms.

I'm in the space of baby bjorns and spit up stains on my shoulder.

I'm in the space of finding teeny weenie tiny baby socks stuck to the insides of my washing machine.

I'm in the space of "mommy and me" time where I lay with Sophie on her bed, look into eachother's eyes while she asks me questions like "what if i dream about eating ice cream and it melts? what if I wake up and there is a dragon lady in my room? what if ava can't say my name? what if my candy gets old? what if i dream about taking a bath and i pee?" And I try to answer every one.

I'm in the space of watching my husband fall in love with another perfect daughter, which in turn makes me fall deeper in love with him.

I'm in the space of wearing spanx again and wondering why I still look like I'm 6 months pregnant. Then reminding myself about the Halloween candy I've been stealing from Sophie.

I'm in the space of feeling more connected to the universe and God than I ever have before. Becoming a mother and wife has never made me feel more admired, appreciated and beautiful. It is through Him that I've been allowed such a deep blessing.

I'm in the space of trying to create a tiny corner for myself and hanging onto what hobbies I enjoy.

I'm in the space of committing to remind myself as often as I can:
This life is a gift.
My husband is a gift.
My children are a gift.

Amidst all the grumbling, tantrum throwing, 4 am feedings, loss of date nights, pee soaked onsies and bargaining with Sophie to eat even one bite of dinner......within our walls, is the sound of life.

It is a life I never even dreamed I'd be blessed enough to have.

And that, is a beautiful space to be in.

Hanging On

2011-10-03T23:09:00.000-05:00

Yikes.

I told myself I wouldn't come back to this blog until I was really feeling ready. I mean really really ready. I wasn't sure how long that would take, but I promised to release myself from any guilt I felt about letting it sit still for as long as I needed.

And so I waited.

And I waited.

And waited some more.

I waited to feel "that thing" that used to lead me here. That pull inside me that told me I needed to purge, and remember. I waited for feel that flip in my tummy when I knew I had just the perfect pictures for just the perfect post.

I thought the first time Ava smiled would have done it.

I thought the first day of Sophie's dance class (complete with photos) would have done it.

I thought the classic blow out of the poopie diaper (again with photos) would have done it.

I thought the day I caught Sophie singing the exact same songs I do too Ava, and watching her kiss her 100 times while saying "I love my sista. I love my sista. I love my sista." over and over again, would have done it.

I thought my 4 year anniversary would have done it. (we forgot about it until facebook reminded me.)

I thought my 80 year old grandparents coming to visit would have done it. (my grandpa never travels, and it's been about 6 years since he's seen anywhere I live...this was a HUGE deal to me)

I thought the heavy guilt of missing all my favorite blogs, and friends, real blog friends who have supported me so much would have done it.

I thought the first time Ava gurgled and coo-ed at me, and really recognized me would have done it.

I thought the time Sophia screamed that she hated me and I was "ruining her life" would have done it.

I thought our first family outing to the pumpkin patch this fall would have done it.

It just never came.

It didn't!

And I don't know why it didn't. I don't know where that desire went. I don't know if it's smooshed between the breast feeding and the diaper changes. I don't know if it's smashed between the burp rag and poop covered laundry. I don't know if it's under the dust piled on this blog.

But I do know it's not there at the moment. And that scares me a little. And excites me a little too? Does that sound weird? It totally does. I know.

I'm not sure why I even logged on here this evening to begin with. I guess because I wanted to see where we stood. This blog and I. It reminds me of when I used to call up my ex boyfriends on a really lonely and depressing evening after I've finished a can of frosting and was feeling especially detached and sad. I'd be looking for a spark. For the familiar. For the thing that was mine before my life changed. I'd be testing the waters to see if I'm still "me" under it all. This blog is like a secret lover to me in a way. It knows all my secrets. I've laughed with it, and cried with it, and we've "made love" in our own little intimate way. We were greatly connected at one point, and I guess I just wanted to see if that's faded.

Has it?

I'm just not sure yet to be honest. I don't know. We're starting off slow I guess, and seeing where our relationship stands. I miss it, and I don't. Part of me loves being in the moment with my family, and not worrying about when I was going to find the time to document our special moments. I'm just in them. Living them the old fashioned way and burning them into my brain.

Part of me knows, I simply just don't have time. I really really don't. None. Time is something I just had to forget about, and this blog falls behind e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g. It falls behind the dishes, the laundry, the dinners, the library, the breast pumping, the baby rocking, the book reading, the husband cuddling. It's last, last, last on my list and maybe that's a good thing? I'm still not sure.

So for now...I'll pop in when it feels right. And I'll give it my all when I feel right. At the moment, I'm still walking through this new world, and I'm trying my best to find my footing once again. I knew this would be a challenge. I knew there would be a huge change and I would fight that change. That's just my nature. Routine's have been thrown off, schedules have been banished. Our lives are in a transition of finding a "new normal" and that has never been comforting or easy for this girl.

Just too prove we are still real people living real life though: I'll leave with a series of photos and an email I sent to my sister a few days ago that pretty much sums up our life now.

(note: please know that these feelings I'm having are directed at my blog only. I love my children. I love my husband. I love my life and am so very blessed. I'm just struggling with finding the time to document all the goodness I have going on over here.)

Can you even stand that face? I die everyday I look at her. Literally die. Or cry. Darn hormones.

There they are. The two most amazing human I've ever known. I love them so much.

My Angel! She's so big I can't take it!

I still can't believe this is real. I have two daughters.

And here is the email I sent to Brooke:

Hi cookie!

Love you too!

I'm sorry this has taken so long to get back to you. I honestly just don't know where the time goes! Well I do actually it goes like this:

8am- baby and sophie get up. Feed baby. burp baby. lay baby down. Make Sophie breakfast. Help Sophie find a cartoon to watch. Beg Sophie to eat breakfast. Pick baby up who is now crying. Rock baby in chair while I beg Sophie to eat breakfast. Give up and ask Sophie to sit in my lap (while ava is on my shoulder) and feed sophie her toast so she will at least eat something.

10 am- Lay Ava down for nap. Try to clean up breakfast and do some laundry. Beg Sophie to take a shower with me so we can both be done (never happens) take a quick shower. Clean up whatever mess Sophie made while I was in shower. Today it was dry oatmeal all over the floor. Try to find a craft or something entertaining for Sophie to do.

11am- baby is up from nap. Feed her. Burp her. Talk to her, cuddle her and try to play with both girls so no one feels guilty. Attempt to clean. Give up.

12pm- Start lunch for Sophie. Find a TV show to entertain her so she'll sit long enough to eat. Set Ava in her baby swing, she won't sleep though, just grunt and gurgle and make me feel guilty for not holding her. Still try to get the dishwasher loaded or at least half of it. Sophie spills her milk and starts to cry. That scares Ava and she starts to cry. Sophie soaked her sandwich with milk. I now make a whole new lunch for her. I eat the soaked sandwich, it's the first meal I've had all day!

1pm- Time for Ava to eat. Feed her. Burp her. Rock her. Beg Sophie to finish her lunch and bribe her with candy if she does. It works! It always does! Sophie begs me to take her to the park, I lie and tell her we will go this afternoon, knowing there is no way I'll make it out the door before 6!

2pm- Ava's napping in her little chair. Sophie is so bored she is climbing the walls. I am still trying to get the dishwasher loaded and get the load of milk, puke and poop stained clothes into the washer before it stinks. I give up on cleaning and play a game with Sophie instead because I can't take the guilt!

3pm- Ava is up. Feed her. Burp her. Change her as she shit all over herself and up her back. Give her a bath too. Sophie cries because she wants to get in the bath with Ava but she's too little. She tells me I'm "ruining her life" and storms off to her room to bawl until she throws up (true story!). The guilt. The guilt. The guilt never ends!

4pm- Rock Ava to try to get her to sleep. I put a movie on demand in and Sophie is watching it while she rolls back and forth across the floor. She dumps her cereal snack, milk and all everywhere and stomps in it just to piss me off. It worked. I yell. She cries. Baby cries. Sophie asks again if we can go to the park....and I lie!

5pm- Time to start dinner. Sophie wants to "help". We're having spaghetti and she gets to put the noodles in the pot. Only she does them one at a time and won't let me help her to make it faster. It takes a half hour. She gets bored and asks about the park again. Ava starts to cry before I can begin to make the sauce. I pull my boob out and get her to latch on. I have her hanging off my boob while I stir the spaghetti. She falls asleep, I lay her down. She cries. Sophie gets annoyed with her crying and storms into her room to pout. Ava finally falls asleep.

6pm- Jon gets home. Table is set. Time to eat. Just as I'm about to take my first bite. Ava wakes up. She's hungry. I have to feed her. Jon and Sophie finish dinner. Sophie won't eat her vegetables. Jon yells at her. She cries. Now she won't eat anything. Ava burps. Time for me to eat my cold dinner in the kitchen-standing up, while I clean up the dishes.

7pm- Bath time. Jon gets Ava. I get Sophie.

8pm- Ava is hungry again, Jon feeds her while I try to brush Sophie's tangled mess of hair. I try not to rip through it like Mom used to do to us. I try not to beat her head with a brush like I used to do to you:)

9pm- Bedtime. Jon rocks Ava while I read books to Sophie. 3 books. Kisses and promises that no vampires will come in her room in the night (thanks jon!)

9:45-10pm- A little internet time for me. Facebook, emails, maybe check my voicemails. Feel guilt about not talking to you, or grama, or mom, or my dad who have all either messaged me or called or texted that day. Wonder how the hell I'll ever get back to anyone again!

10pm- Ava is asleep in her bed now. I try to go to bed but find it hard to sleep with everything running through my head. End up hating myself for not taking Sophie to the park. Promise myself I will tomorrow no matter what (but know it's impossible!).

2AM-Ava is up. Feed her, rock her, burp her. Pray she goes back to bed right away.

3am- Lay Ava down. Pray she sleeps more than an hour

5am- Ava's up. Feed her, rock her, burp her. Change her butt. Rock her back to sleep. Pray to God to kill me or give me a few more hours of sleep.

6am- Lay Ava down. Check on Sophie, cover her up if blankets have fallen off her.

8AM- Sophie and Ava are up. And we start all over again!

I Remember This Place

2011-08-29T23:00:00.000-05:00

Ahhh.....how I dreaded this place I'm in.

Yet, I remember it so very well.

The Exhaustion.

Sheer and simple and horrible exhaustion. It is sadly familiar... and as much as I tried to prepare myself for it, I realize now there is no preparing for being tired on this level. It is a haunting and painful place which I somehow blocked from my mind over the past 3 years.

The first few days of Ava's arrival, I was running on pure adrenaline. I remember thinking I must be really healthy because I was functioning on 2.5 hours of sleep a night for five nights in a row and doing just fine. After the fifth day, something changed. I began to feel different. The novelty of our new addition was wearing off. Suddenly I wasn't basking in the "new baby glow" our family was radiating. I was shriveling and sinking away in a sea of exhaustion. And who am I kidding? I'm still sinking away in a sea of exhaustion.

The exhaustion lies to me. It tells me I'm not a good mom. It tells me I have no business attempting to have a baby when I'm so obviously tired and overwhelmed. It tells me I'm ignoring Sophie and she will resent me. It tells me I'll never "get it" and I will never feel normal and rested again. It makes me grumpy and snap on my husband. It stands behind me and whispers to the back of my head, "This will never end. You will never be yourself again. You will never laugh again. You will never cook or bake again. You will never craft again. You will never sleep again. You will never be pretty, curl your hair or wear make up again. You will never read a book again. You will never have a date with your husband again. You will never clean your house again. You will always walk around in this fog."

And you know what I say?

Exhaustion: You Can Kiss My A**!

Because I have this....

And lack of sleep is not going to keep me from feeling blessed. I refuse to allow it. I remember you took me down 3 years ago and it is not happening this time. I simply can not allow myself to be swept away by your lies.

I will sleep again.
I will workout again and feel healthy.
I will craft, bake, read, blog, and pick up my camera again.
You will not corner me into thinking I am less than or ill fit to be a mom.

And I will do it all with this two hanging off my hips.

Because I have to. Because I can. Because I choose this- and I won't let a few weeks/months of sleepless nights make me feel like I'm not worthy of the gift that is motherhood.

A precious life has been given to me to protect and nurture. I can give up some sleep for that. Even if it's hard. Even if my eyes are crossing and I wonder how I'll hold my head up for the rest of the day when all I want to do it lay down and die (aka- SLEEP!)....this is what I signed up for. Period.

And luckily for me, Sophie has informed me that she is quite able to assist me in feeding Ava if I need a break.

She even told me she knows how to pump....

I'm headed back into the trenches. Breathing deeply and reminding myself that this will not be forever. Dreaming of the day when I'll be in my apron again, covered in flour and smelling of cinnamon. It's just around the corner...I can feel it!

(ps-she is only 19 days old. why is it so hard for me to give myself a friggin break?)

Our Daughter Ava Joy Is Here!

2011-08-19T23:14:00.000-05:00

Hello there.

Long time no see. You know it's been a long time away from Blogger when you have to re-set your password because you forgot your login information.

That is me at this point. Lost in the land of baby.

I thought about naming this post "The Move, The Plug, The Hemorrhoid, and the Baby"

But I changed my mind, realizing that any title with the word "hemorrhoid" may turn some away, and really who can blame them?

So much has happened since I last logged onto my blog about 20 days ago. Such overwhelming change and exhaustion, I'm still spinning from it all. My "almost" post title pretty much sums it up.

The Move: We moved into our new home on the 1st of August. And I love it so much. It is just so spacious and really fitting for the family we are now. I can fumble around in the dark and find every light switch and no more bumping into walls. Sophie loves it here too, and has had no issues sleeping in her new room!

The Plug: (warning....gross pregnancy topic coming at you) The night before the movers came, I lost my mucus plug. I totally realize how disgusting that may sound to some of you who have never been pregnant or never plan to be. And really, it is as sickening as it sounds. It's a mucus plug after all, there's really no fancy way to describe it. However, when you're pregnant....chatting about things like mucus plugs is just par for the course. So....Friday night, it falls out. And I have a mini freak out because it's just one step closer to labor. I imagined my water breaking as the men were loading up our couch on the truck. My anxiety rose to a deafening level that day. I wandered around in a daze on moving day. Waiting for a contraction or a trickle of water down my leg. Thankfully...it didn't happen!

The Hemorrhoid: Again. Pregnancy language happening here. I really don't need to elaborate much more on this subject. What can I say? This was a scenario I never had with Sophie. I didn't even realize it could happen to pregnant women. But let me tell you....I'd almost rather go through labor again than to have to deal with the pain of these nasty rotten buggers. The joined our crew around the 3 week mark from my due date and they never left. It. Was. Horrible. And that is all I want to say about that.

The Baby: Lets get to the good stuff shall we?

She's here.

Finally.

Ava Joy Wood was born on August 10th 2011 at 10:25pm. She weighed 7lbs 14oz, 20 inches long. I pushed her out after just 10 min! I'm not in a place to really go into her whole "birth story" and I really don't know if I ever will. It was nothing too dramatic, my water broke at 5am on Wed morning. We swooped Sophie out of bed and headed to the hospital, I wasn't contracting so I had to be induced with Pitocin (evil horrible stuff) and epidural was soon after. I finally started to dilate, and after 3 pushes or so....out she came.

That is the summary. Exhaustion refuses to allow me to go into all the sweet mushy gushy details of it yet. It's only been a week so I'm sure once the dust settles, I'll be able to go to that place.

I was so ready to deliver her! When I went into labor with Sophie I was so sad about not being pregnant anymore. With Miss Ava, it was a whole different story. This child was huge. My belly has so many stretch marks I look like I've been burned with a curling iron. My back was aching, my hips were sore, I couldn't breathe and I looked like a beached whale. My feet were so swollen Jon told me they looked like bread loaves! Really, it was the last 3 weeks that were the worst. Everything just took a turn, and I found myself really feeling trapped in my body. I think I called my OB about 4 times begging to be induced!

(I'd just gotten my epidural, so happy and ready to go! Hats off to those of you who can handle labor without one. I simply can't!)

I'm feeling so much better now, and it's just a week later. To be able to take a deep breath is just such a treat! I can flip over in bed without using Jon's arm and I can bend down and pick up toys again! Sophie looked at me like I did a cartwheel when I sat on the floor to play with her the other day. "Mommy...you can bend down and sit by me?" Poor kid!

Speaking of Sophie, she's loving this baby.

She's very protective of her and always checking on her when she's sleeping to see if she's okay. She calls her "my baby sister" most of the time. She kisses her about 100 times a day and is always asking to hold her. I heard her talking to her when I wasn't in the room and I thought it was so adorable because she was copying how I talk to Ava. She was using the same voice I use and saying exact phrases I say to her. So sweet.

So there it is! And to be honest, I don't know when I'll be popping back on here again. I'm not sure if it's hormones, or exhaustion or being overwhelmed....but I'm really not feeling like I'll be much of a hard core blogger anymore. I'm in a place of having to decide if it's Blogging I love: or if it's Writing

Blogging requires socializing, time and networking.

Writing requires inspiration.

I'm marinating on this for a while.

In the meantime, enjoy some pictures of my beautiful girl. She really is just the sweetest most gentle loving baby in the world. We've heard her cry maybe 5 times and each time was because of poop. Mostly she just grunts and squeaks when she's hungry. Her cheeks are squishy marshmallow piles of cuteness and I could sniff her neck all day long.

Think of me, plunging my face into her sweet little baby neck and kissing those cheeks while I ponder where to go with my blog!

Ava had a touch of jaundice, we we had to have her in a light bed for a few days.

And in case you are wondering:

Yes, I'd do it all again....this is what it's all about.

And We Say Goodbye

2011-07-29T00:00:00.001-05:00

I think I've mentioned before that I have moved a lot in my life. This city has had me in almost every nook corner of it's grasp for the past 12 years.

Each time I moved, I was so fascinated with the "new-ness" of it all. I loved finding the closest grocery store, the coolest coffee shop where I could cry into my journals as I wrote about stupid boyfriends who didn't appreciate me. I loved walking around my new neighborhood, exploring the dive bars and looking for cute boys who rode bikes. Each time I moved, it felt like a rebirth. A place where I could swell with new energy and begin again. I loved fumbling around my new apartment in the dark, scrambling to find the light switch and bumping into walls. I loved planning how to decorate and wondering who I was going to become in my new place.

And once again, I'm taking that journey.

Although it's a little different this time, since it's not just me and my cat moving. I'm bringing along, a husband, a toddler, a cat and a brewing fetus in my womb.

My how life has changed.

The "fresh-ness" feeling isn't lost on me though. I still have the butterflies in my stomach about moving to a brand new part of town. One I have no idea about. The only difference is that this time around....I'm going to be looking for the nearest grocery store....but I'll also need to find the nearest Home Depot and Babies R Us too.

Every time I've ever moved, the very last night I'm sleeping in my place, I have always written a "What I'm saying goodbye to" entry in all of my journals. And since my journals are packed away at this moment, I will translate it into a blog post.

Here we go.

What We're Saying Goodbye To:

My first pregnancy, filled with heartburn and terror about how I was ever going to keep a child alive when I can't keep my teeth from filling up with cavities.

My water breaking on our bedroom floor and Jon screaming, "Why are you peeing on the floor? GROSS!"

Becoming first time parents, and fumbling our way through infant, to baby, to toddler

Her first bath

Sophie's first blow out where she pooped up her back and all over the back of her hair. We had to hose her off in the sink...both gagging the whole time

Sophie's belly button cord falling off (no I didn't keep it!)

Late nights bawling and exhausted, wondering if Sophie would ever learn to latch on and breast feed.

Knowing the exact moment she and I finally connected. And feeling like I was going to explode from the power of that instant.

Her first smile.

Her first words

Sophie's first steps

Grilling out and watching True Blood with our very best friends Brian and Sarah who live just down the hall from us, 6 apartments down.

My first trip away from Sophie, when Jon took us to Vegas and I had panic attacks the whole time and swore I would never leave my children again. Ever.

Our "first" holidays. Christmas, Easter, Valentines Day and making cookies for them all.

How she was scared to death of our Christmas tree her first year.

Doubting, Doubting, Doubting every decision and thinking that I was doing even a half ass job with this child.

How she would dance and wiggle her butt while we laughed as her diaper was falling off her.

The place where I had my first major surgery and my thyroid was removed.

Potty training and the piles of poop I would find on the floor, and sometimes step in.

How we went from her, crying in her crib to wake me up and come and get her.....to her opening her door, walking in our room and waking me up in the morning with her sweet smile.

When we lost our baby at 10 weeks, and feeling like I'd never get over that ache.

Finding out we were pregnant again and feeling like I'd never be able to connect with this baby...fearing the "worst" might happen again.

Her first flu and discovering all her major allergies.

The place where I began my love for photography.

Late night talks with my husband about our lives, setting goals, praying for those goals and receiving.

That's homemade goat cheese and red pepper ravioli right there folks!

Where I discovered how to really cook a meal beyond the Stoffers Lasagna or frozen pizza.

Watching in amazement as my husband accepted promotion after promotion, in awe of his work ethic and dedication to his family.

Late night summer drives with just Sophie and Mommy to the Dairy Queen- as I fill my Banana Cream Pie Blizzard pregnancy fix.

The year she picked out all of our families Halloween costumes

My mapped out 2 mile run.

The park with her favorite tunnel slide, where we'd play Rapunzel.

The season of our lives when I finally saw my hard work and teaching paying off with her. And I had a glimpse of hope that I really was a good mother, and had done a great job with her.

Discovering the world of blogging and finally getting the courage to start my own, which was a turning point for my "social life" or lack thereof.

And last, but not least....

It is where my soul went to graduate school and learned to love on a level I couldn't even begin to fathom.

It is the place I discovered my calling. I was born to be a mother. It is the most remarkable and important job I have ever had.

It is the place where I sit, right how....feeling little legs and arms squiggling in my insides, and wonder who our next daughter will be.

It is the place I saw so many dreams come true.

It is a place I'm most grateful for, and will treasure forever.

It was our family's first home, and I will never forget it.

And tonight, is our last night.

The Inevitable Meltdown

2011-07-13T08:18:00.002-05:00

I knew it was coming.

The "calm" was really just a mask waiting to laugh in my face once all the dust settled. Trying to keep my sanity during all this chaos is just not working like I'd hoped.

So I come here to vent, because down the road....I'm sure I'll want to remember this dis functional time, right?

I don't even have a photo to post with this because I can't find my camera in all this moving mess.

It has finally hit me, we move in about 16 days and I'm 8 months pregnant. My instincts are pushing me toward "nesting" right now. I should be washing baby bedding and folding little onsies and placing them safe in her dresser drawers. Instead, I'm wrapping dishes in newspaper and surrounded by cardboard boxes. I feel like I'm working in the stock room of Pier 1 Imports again. My home looks like a warehouse.

As organized as I'm trying to be with this move, it's still so difficult! I have a lump growing off the front of me that prevents me from being able to stand more than 45 minutes without feeling like I'm going to faint. My little darling is nestled right under my lungs, allowing me about half the oxygen I'm used to, causing me to pant like a dog on a hot day when I'm bending or even just standing really.

I have guilt because there were so many things I wanted to get to this month. I have mountains of photos to edit. Believe it or not, we actually have done some really fun summer activities! However, by the time I get to edit them and post them to my various social networking sites, it will probably be Christmas.

And there's the blog issue. I've scanned my dashboard maybe once in the past few weeks. And I really haven't even clicked over to any blogs. I simply read the post title of those I'm missing and if it doesn't say anything drastic or earth shattering (death, divorce) I move on. So many of you have been so kind to stop by my space and leave words of encouragement....and I'm soaked with guilt for not having the time to return the favor!

One post title I've noticed a lot lately is "Taking A Break" or "Be Back Soon".

Each time I'd read a post title like this, I'd have a slight pang of jealousy. I'd wonder how these women were so brave and how they could just leave their blogs to (gasp) enjoy summer! How dare they? And now I'm realizing that I too, deserve to enjoy what little bit of summer I'm allowed during this move/baby birthing stuff. Between the packing, the throwing, the organizing, the mothering (because I do still have a 3 year old who needs to be loved, fed and entertained), the stressing, the cleaning, the wondering, the hoping, the praying, the crying (oh yes...hormones are at an all time high these days!), the waddling, the swelling, the heavy breathing and back pain.......this is all I have left of being a mother to one.

She has no idea whats on the horizon. She has no clue how her world is going to be rocked. She lives in the moment. She sees a mommy with a big belly and boxes all around, but she has no idea what any of it means. And although, logically I know that bringing a sibling into her life will enrich it so much. I still have this overbearing sense of making her last month of being our "only child" one of her best times ever. Because things will change. They have to. It won't be as easy for Mother and 3 year old daughter to grab a purse and head out the door to the park. We'll be back to diaper bags and bottles. Our lives will be wrapped around naps for the baby. My lap won't be an open seat all day anymore. Attention will be divided. And I have to do what I can to distribute what little energy I have to what matters in my world right now.

So, as daunting as it is. And as scared as I am to say it out loud. Here goes:

I'm taking a break. A big break.

I'm not setting a time line for this break. I have no idea if it will be weeks or a month. I'm just going to let my conscience decide. I love this blog. And I adore my readers. I hope you'll hang around and be here with me when I jump back on this dusty trail again!

We Are Packing Up....And Moving Out!

2011-07-06T00:24:00.000-05:00

In my fantasy world, you've been up late hours, checking your blog updates to see if I'm okay.
Pregnancy and hormones have turned me into a delusional diva you know!

Well, I'm here to share a few things:

I'm alive.
I'm still pregnant (33 weeks to be exact)
We still have no name for our child, decided we will wait until we see her face and hopefully we will just "know"

Oh yeah, and one more little thing. Just a tiny thing really.....

We Are Moving Out!!

I can hear the collective "huh" humming through my computer right now.

Believe me, I'm humming the same sentiments. Why on earth would a woman who is just 5 weeks from her due date (but really could go into labor any day now) be signing up to move?

Because I have to....that's why.

Jon's former company offered him a position with them again, and it was really in our best interest for him to take the offer. Since the position is about 45 min away from where we are now, it was not worth the gas for him to drive, especially since they offer the same discount on rent (we would be losing) if we stayed here.

And isn't it funny how life works?

Do ya'll remember a little ditty I wrote about Change just a few weeks ago? I'm telling you- every time I have that "feeling" I was expressing in my post...it always means something is coming. It's like the quiver before the earth quake. I've known that rumble in my heart for many years now, and just as I "predicted".....a change was coming. I sort of knew it, without really knowing it....if that makes any sense?

So here we are, resting our faith in the Lord and hoping that everything will just pan out in his divine timing. Because as I've grown to know, you don't get to pick when the blessings arrive. You only have to be ready to receive.

This is not perfect timing.

Not at all.

But it's not up to me to decide the timing. That is what I'm trying to remind myself as I'm lumped over boxes with a human being kicking my ribs. This is what we wanted. This is what we prayed for. Our prayers went something like this:

Please let Jon find employment with the company that has the most potential for growth.
(this company is the number 1 largest property management company in the nation)

Please let Jon find a fresh location to work where he can really grow as a manager and create the type of property he has always dreamed of.
(this new property is building a brand new club house for residents, new fitness center with a toddler area, new owners who are eager to work with Jon and see what he can do)

If we have to move, please let the new place be bigger than where we are, and have more amenities to make our growing family's life easier.
(just by "fate" this property happens to be building brand new 3 bedroom apartments, we are currently in a 2 bedroom, and they will have brand new everything. No one has ever lived there. New appliances. New hardwood floors, washer and dryer in unit AND an extra 300 square feet)

So there you have it. Really, the answer seemed very simple once we broke it down. Does it suck packing up and having to move in a month? Sure it does! Am I terrified that I'll go into labor in the middle of all this and it will delay our very tight schedule for the move? Yep.

I just have to believe that God wouldn't have placed this opportunity in our lives if he didn't plan on taking care of us through the whole process. I have to believe that, or I'll melt into a puddle of hormonal, sweaty, crying goo on the floor.

When you pray for blessings, and receive them.... there is no "hold button". This is tough. But I believe in the end, it will all be worth it.

So I don't know where I'll be in "blogging land" this month. We have till the 31st to be moved out and in "8 month pregnant lady" time....that's like a week. I'm so slow! I'm so used to being an animal when it comes to moving. Having moved 10 times in 10 years, I became sort of a pro at it. I could throw boxes over my head like a sumo wrestler. I could haul the couch and entertainment center like any man! The last time we moved was almost 4 years ago and I was just 4 months pregnant with Sophie. This time around I just don't have the same "oomph." I want to! My body refuses. I have to take "sitting breaks" and I feel so pathetic!

It's quite a site, seeing me waddle around, panting and sweating while my feet swell to the size of bread loaves. I'm often wondering if the next move I make is going to plop this child inside of me, right onto the floor! I'm just not the girl I once was that's for sure! But I'm plugging away, doing my best and I will try to poke my head back in this world when and if I can! Here I had my summer all planned out, and as always....the "plan" just didn't quite pan out did it? Something tells me, this plan is much much better than mine anyway!

The Babe Without a Name

2011-06-29T06:00:00.000-05:00

The name pretty much says it all here.

I am 32 weeks pregnant. Just about 5 or 6 weeks from my due date, aaaaaannnnnnddddd......
WE DO NOT HAVE A BABY NAME YET!

We are in a total stand off between two names. Both names we agree we "like", it's just that each of our favorite is the other persons second choice. And no one is budging. Usually I can persuade my husband to get pretty much, anything I want. I have a few tricks up my sleeve for when the going gets tough. I've tried them all. I've made every meal he loves. I've made his favorite chocolate chip cookies. I've starched his shirts so they were stiff as boards. I've brought him his favorite lunch to work. I've let him watch ESPN and even sat next to him during it when I could have been watching the Real Housewives Reunion on Bravo!

And we're still stuck.

I'm not going to reveal the name choices just yet, because I don't want to be persuaded one way or the other. And although most would think it wouldn't matter what my readers think: the truth is, you guys have helped guide me toward many decisions, and you probably didn't even realize it! I do take stock in what your opinions are, whether that's good or bad. So, until we confirm....I'm not announcing it yet.

This never happened with Sophia. We both just "knew" that was right. And now looking back, I'm remembering that "Sophia" was the only name we both agreed on, and we never agreed on a boy name.

Heaven Help Us!

There is so much that goes into a name, and this time around I'm way over thinking it. When I named Sophia, I never imagined myself "yelling" it at her when I was disciplining or anything else. So now, when I'm pondering between these two names, I often shout them out loud to see how they feel. Sophie will look at me like I'm crazy and ask me who the "hack" am I talking to? But I have to! I need to know how it will feel to scream it from across the park when she is running away from me like her big sister loves to do.

I have to imagine how it will look mixed with our names on the Christmas card.

I have to imagine how it will look on her wall in letter blocks.

I have to see her as a young girl, and a middle schooler, and a teenager, and a woman in her 30's or 40's and eventually 80's with this name.

I need to imagine it on a business card, or a name tag, or monogrammed on an office door. I need to see it on a bill board or a movie theater poster. I need to imagine hearing it announced at an awards ceremony or a sporting event. I need to imagine it tattooed on her lover's arm after a long night in Vegas. (hey...it could happen!)

I need to imagine Sophie saying it daily and for the rest of her life.

I need to make sure no perverted words rhyme with it so she doesn't get made fun of in school.

I need to make sure it's easy to pronounce so she doesn't feel embarrassed during roll call in school (like her poor mother was every year- "Chana? Cha-na? Shauna? Kah-na?")

Naming a Human Being is a big deal!

So I really don't know where to go from here. I "like" his name choice, but I don't love it like I do mine. And he feels the same. And I can't imagine myself going through her life regretting that I didn't stick to my guns and give her the name I love. There is no middle ground for us. It took us this long to widdle our names down to the top two. These are our only choices because we refuse to use our number 3 option. I don't even like our number 3 option! It's always been just the two names we have. And in my heart it's always been "my" choice as her name.

Seriously, don't I have some sort of "Hey I carried her for 9 months and endured the heartburn, and hemorrhoids and stitches (C-section and "other") so therefore I get final say?"

Isn't there some sort of parental/marriage clause somewhere that has that? There has to be! Or else this babe is going to remain a phantom with no identity and we may just end up with "Cletus the Fetus" on her birth certificate after all. It is easy to pronounce!

A Vlog! Sophie Interprets Adam and Eve

2011-06-27T06:00:00.003-05:00

I decided to start Sophie in vacation bible school last week and after our first day/attempt, I knew I had to share it. Let me say, I'm certainly glad that I'm her teacher at the moment. I don't know what the lovely church ladies would have thought if my child sprung her interpretation of Adam and Eve on their group!

Things took a very strange, (but typical for our house hold) turn towards the end of the lesson. What can I say, I believe my daughter had inherited my unique way of looking at things. And although her mind took the story in a new direction, I'm still glad that she "got" the story and really understood it. In the end...that's all that mattered to me (Not the fact that Adam wears a bra.....wait, I'll let you get to that and enjoy it yourself!)

Flashback Friday: My Dad

2011-06-24T00:00:00.001-05:00

YEAH to the new reigning Queen of Flashback Friday! Miss Lauren I'm so happy for you!!!!May your subjects be loyal and true and may you have a long and healthy stint with this new adventure. I couldn't think of a more loving and warm person to host!

Thank you for asking me to join along!

This is my Daddy.

So often I post pics of Sophie's Daddy here, it's strange to look at this and think that it's me and my Dad.

(ps-he is the most private human being on the planet, so if he finds out I posted a pic of him on the internet...I'm dead meat! So please Shhhhhhh....don't tell him!)

Truthfully, this is one of the only pics I have of him from when I was little. In fact, it may be the only one.

My parents were young when they had me. Like, really young. I believe they were both 18. Can you imagine being eighteen years old and having a child? I thought having one at 27 was hard! They did get married, but I believe it really was for the sake of their Catholic beliefs and little old me. I hardly believe they would have been married if I hadn't joined the party.

As statistics would have it, they were divorced just about a year later. I lived with my Mom and saw him every other weekend. He never missed a weekend with me. Ever. I have no memories of them together. Not a single one. I don't remember eating a meal together, playing outside together, or even watching TV together. All of my memories of my parents are separate. Sometimes I try really hard to see if there is even a familiar glimpse locked somewhere in my subconscious....but I can't stir anything up. I don't even have a photograph of the 3 of us together!

Perhaps this is why I'm a little over the top with my photo taking? I think the lack of photographs of myself creates this need inside of me to make sure Sophie doesn't feel the same way someday.

And as I said, this is the only photograph I have of my and I Dad from when I was little. I'm sure there are more somewhere, but this is the only one I own.

What do I remember about it? That is tough. I don't remember much. But I'll try:

I remember he was young. Very young. Probably about 21 or 22 and he stopped over before he went ice fishing with his friend.

I remember how clean his shoes were.

I remember he loved to tickle me under my neck until I nearly peed my pants. Sophie is so very ticklish in that same spot.

I remember that hat was too big and always fell over my eyes.

I remember tension between him and my mom that day. In fact, I can't remember a time when they were in the same room and there wasn't tension. I was too little to know why it was there, but I picked up on the heavy energy very easily and have never forgotten it.

I remember it being strange that he was in my house. He hardly ever came into our house. If it was my weekend to be with him, he would sit in his car in the driveway and wait for me to come out with my Strawberry Shortcake suitcase and matching pillow. He never came to the door and he never came inside. So this was rare. And fun.

I remember his gentle voice, and calm presence. He wasn't a very "silly" guy. He was more quiet and controlled. Even at such a young age.

I remember mixed feelings. Feeling like I didn't want him to leave, yet I was grateful it wasn't his weekend with me so I could stay home and play with my brother and sister. I always felt like I was missing out on something when I would be at one place instead of the other.

To this day, he hasn't changed much. He still has the cleanest shoes of anyone I've ever seen. He loves fishing. He is still soft spoken and controlled. And I believe he still owns that hat. Not joking.

And there you have it folks, my first Flashback Friday with the New Host Lauren!! She is one of the coolest chicks I know! If you want to join along, feel free to swing over to her blog and add your own little flashback!

Until You....For Sophie

2011-06-22T06:00:00.000-05:00

I don't know what it is about this second baby coming up that is stirring up so much emotion in me.

Jon blames it on hormones (of course), I blame it on late night heartburn that keeps me awake and thinking way too much. This child is much more lively than Sophie ever was. She honestly kicks about every single hour, at least once. And of course, I'm finding myself clinging to this pregnancy and wishing for it to never end. This time I have with her is so precious to me. This is the only time in both of our lives where I'll have her all to myself, tucked safe and sound under my ribs. It's magical. And it's almost over.

In case some of you haven't figured it out....I hate change. Well, let me be fair. I hate being out of control. I hate when things are out of my comfort zone and I feel familiar sensations of "I'm not enough" creeping in. I have been in this mini panic mode lately, thinking about how our perfect little routine over here is going to be blown to bits. We are a well-oiled machine. Our days are about as predictable as the TV guide. Every activity has a place and time. When we eat dinner, when we take a bath, when we read books, when we have "fun". Of course we are like any other family and things get moved around for certain circumstances (I promise we aren't lame dorks!).

The order and structure I crave comes from growing up in a home that had almost no order or structure. It was a very fun, lively household to grow up in, but it lacked the stability and control I have needed my whole life to feel safe. Its just who I am. I like a plan, and I enjoy even more being the planner. Surprises piss me off. No really, they do! No matter how thoughtful the gesture is, my initial instinct is anger when I'm surprised...I can't help it! Usually I warm up after the shock wears off....usually.

I just can't help feeling like our lives are about to turn into a big game of "52 Card Pick-up" You know the game right? You ask someone if they want to play and when they ask you how, you throw an entire deck of card up in the air and say "There! Now pick all 52 cards up!" This expresses exactly what I'm preparing for with the birth of this child. A big fat jumbled pile of loose cards will signify all the planning and work I've put into the last 3 years. And I'll be scrambling to pick them up, and get them back in the safe and perfect order I crave so deeply.

And I know it won't be the same. I know I'll be creating a new pattern and schedule for us. But it still scares me. I have this weird creeping feeling that one day I'm just going to go off the deep end and I won't be able to do it anymore. I feel like if the order is lost, then I'm lost, and then I've lost. I've lost the "good mother/wife" battle if I let things slide or slip. I'm my own worst critic. I'm embarrassed at some of the things I tell myself in my own head some days. I wouldn't speak to the most idiot co-worker the way I do to myself sometimes. It's shameful, and an issue but it's real and it's the truth.

One of the most beautiful lessons I've gained from having Sophie was the loss of control. I've learned more about myself in the last 3 years than I could have ever gathered up from every experience over the 28 years before her. I'm trying not to lean on the negative, I want to ignore what I feel will be scary and different. I'm trying to reflect on what I've learned so far about parenting. The special surprises I used to fear and dislike so much. Luckily, I had one very soft, squishy, teeny tiny hand resting inside mine guiding me every step of the way.

Until you, I didn't know I could pick someone else's boogers without throwing up.

Until you, I had never stayed up all night holding a tiny person against my chest.

Until you, I didn't have any idea how long cleaning up a whole glass of milk would take.

Until you, I had never experienced a "blow out" of poop exploding out of a diaper in a public place.

Until you, I didn't know what it felt like to stare into eyes like mine.

Until you, I never imagined my heart would crumble at the site of a bare butt.

Until you, I had never experienced a fierce instinct to protect anything so much in my life.

Until you, I had never begged God to keep anyone "little" for just a little bit more.

Until you, I had never known such soul soaring love before.

And thanks to you little girl, for showing your Mommy the ropes. It is the road you paved in which your little sister and I will walk on. I will have my memories of you to guide me on those late late nights. I have a tale to look back on when I'm tumbling and tripping and fearing I'm doing the worst. And you will be the "big sister", bold and brave holding my hand through it once again. Only this time around, I'll have another even tinier hand to hold as well.

(all photographs are from Sophie's 1st birthday photo shoot with my friend and talented photographer Lisa Baird)

Sophie's "Official" Third Birthday Photo Shoot

2011-06-17T06:00:00.000-05:00

I promised myself almost a month ago that I would make sure to photograph Sophie in her birthday dress. I'm sorry, but that thing was just too pretty for me to have one photograph of her in it with ice cream slopped down the front.

We had to do a little role playing for me to achieve this shoot. I had to be the "mean mother" (surprise surprise!) and Sophie was Rapunzel (as usual). I was a wicked woman who would sit in the grass and yell at Rapunzel to get back in her tower NOW, or she was to be doomed forever. The "tower" was the towel in which I had perched my pregnant self on. She would run away from me, laughing a devils chuckle and return every so often to rub it in my face that I "can't ever catch her".

I'm desperately trying to cling to every inch of her "three-ness" these days. I know how these days will zip by me before I know it. So if I have to sit on the grass, 7.5 months pregnant -looking like a round female Humpty Dumpty, just to get some good photos of her, then I will.

I realize this is a total Sophie overload. Believe me, I do. However...this will be her final birthday as an "only child" and I thought it was appropriate for me to give her as many memories of this time in her life as I can. Because I don't know if she will remember being our only child. For all I know, she will only remember life with her sister....I am 4 years apart from my sister and I don't remember life before her.

I feel like I did my job with this shoot. I captured just who she is right now. A twirling, running, dreaming, princess....with a very round wicked mother.

A Vlog! Sophie and Mommy Chat

2011-06-15T06:00:00.006-05:00

You know how I roll with my vlogs by now!

Let the self sabotage begin!

Yes, I sometimes style our hair the exact same if we are going out.

For a few reasons! She and I have been doing a lot of role playing now that she is 3 and often times we are different characters. Sometimes I'm the wicked step mother from Snow White, and she's Snow White (of course). Sometimes I'm Boots and she's Dora. So when we're out and about she likes to shout at me, "Hey! Who are you?!" in reference to which "character" am I being at the moment. However, I've noticed that I get very funny looks from strangers when they hear her say this phrase. I can see them wondering if they should call the authorities to report me for child snatching! So I try to make us look alike, and in the process I realize that it makes us look very corney too. But oh well!

Another reason is that we have the exact same hair. Well, almost. Her hair is still lush, thick and curly from no processing. Mine is thick, frizzy and damaged from too much dye and processing. Either way, depending on the weather....our hair reacts the same. If it's humid, we put it up. If it's nice and cool, we wear it down. It's just easier that way. And if you must know, I sometimes coordinate our outfits to match as well. But that is simply because I'm crazy. For real. Poor kid of mine.

Sophie declares her name choice for the baby and we are not loving it. At all. She has no idea that she's not in charge of naming the babe yet.

She's a little soft spoken here, which is SO not like her. I think after a few more shoots she'll warm up. She is my kid after all so the DNA strand for loving to hear herself talk is in her somewhere.

That is all!

Enjoy the show! Just 4 minutes!

Part 2: Restaurant Photoshoot...Dinner Items

2011-06-14T06:00:00.001-05:00

I'm here to share round two of my amazing experience as a "food photographer" last week!

In case you missed the back story, please feel free to Click Here to see what this is all about and to get a look at the delicious lunch menu items I photographed.

The D'Amico company is huge in Minneapolis. Huge. They are one of the best known and highest regarded Italian food companies around.

From their website:
"D'Amico & Partners, one of the nation's preeminent restaurant and catering developers, owns and manages 25 restaurants in Minneapolis and Florida. Their properties include: D'AMICO KITCHEN (contemporary Italian Cuisine), Campiello (2), Cafe and Bar Lurcat (2), D’Amico & Sons (12), and MASA—featuring upscale, contemporary Mexican cuisine. The Wall Street Journal hailed MASA one of the United States “top 10 most anticipated restaurant openings...” when it opened."

I was so blessed to be a server at one of their restaurants Campiello many years ago, and luckily for me I've kept ties with some who still work there. Which is how I got this flipping fantastic gig!! To be able to take photos of the food I literally still have dreams about at night, is like a dream come true for me. Chefs are artists. Plain and simple. It's humbling to have had the chance to capture such remarkable work.

And here are the newest additions to the dinner menu for spring/summer:
(disclaimer: please have your belly filled with something because I am not responsible for your major pig out episode after this post)

Chilled Tomato Gazpacho with Fennel Crema

Roasted Salmon Steak with Umbrian Vegetable Scafata

House-Made Cavatelli with Mussels, Sweet Sausage, Saffron and Basil

Garganelli with Shell Peas, Prosciutto and Parmigiano

Grilled Marinated Hanger Steak with Panzanella

Gnocchi with Sausage and Peperonata

“Affogato" Float, Vanilla Semifreddo, Hot Espresso and Chocolate-dipped Pizzelle

And there it is folks. My first experience with photographing subjects that don't move, scream, sneeze or shout at me (meaning mostly my daughter). I have to say, it was such a pleasure and it was a whole new level of creativity for me, which was refreshing. I'm crossing my fingers and hoping they'll ask me back to shoot the fall/winter items as well!

My First Restaurant Photo Shoot! Pics of Pretty Food

2011-06-10T06:00:00.001-05:00

Once upon a time, I was a server.

I paid my bills and rent for many years on a servers salary. During my career, I somehow ended up working in some of the best restaurants in Minneapolis. And I promise I'm not just saying that! Most of the chefs I worked with had been awarded numerous times, some were even on television. The restaurants themselves had all been given the highest reviews and honors in our city. I was spoiled at a very young age with the best cuisine our area had to offer! And now I'm a "food snob" for life when it comes to dining out.

My most treasured serving job was for a very well-known Italian restaurant called Campiello.

Everything about that establishment was heaven. The food, the staff, the "family" atmosphere. It was my home away from home. I was exposed to so much talent, it still amazes me. I learned endless information about wine and Italian fare from Campiello. Even now, when I walk through the doors, it feels like home.

And if I squint really hard, I can sometimes see the 21 year old Chana behind the line, folding napkins and wondering who she is going to go out drinking with that night.

This is why when my very good friend Jason asked me to take some photographs for them I almost ran there barefoot with my camera in my hand!

Campiello adds some seasonal dishes to the menu twice a year, and I was asked to photograph the new spring/summer additions. What an absolute honor it was! I'd forgotten how much I respect chefs and their creative genius. We started with the lunch menu and this Saturday I'll be going back to shoot the new dinner items.

I hope your bellies are nice and full because your tummy will be a grumblin after this post....believe me!

Enjoy!

Campiello's Chopped Salad

Chicken Salad Sandwich on Miche

Shrimp and Speck Pizza with Mozzarella and Fresh Oregano

Grilled Tuna BLT with Crispy Pancetta, Local Tomato and Garlic Mayonnaise

Chicken and Roasted Pear Salad with Gorgonzola and Candied Walnuts

Fresh Fettuccine with Spicy Lamb Bolognese

Grilled Chicken with Farro, Sweet Corn, Shell Peas and Lemon Oil

Tomato and Burrata Sandwich with Fresh Basil and Extra Virgin Olive Oil

Fried Cauliflower Fritters with Garlic Mayonnaise

Warm Caramelized Peach Almond Cake with Buttermilk Gelato

Profiterole with Lemon Ricotta Cream and Strawberry Rhubarb Marmellata

Butterscotch Budino with Hazelnut Toffee and Sea Salt

And there is round one of my fabulous gig! Now, are you ready to be jealous?

Like really, really, really, really jealous?!

I got to eat every single thing you see!! A pregnant ladies dream world right?! Every bite in my mouth was like heaven! I felt like I was in a food eating contest! Of course, I had help from the staff....but still!! It was such a treat and let me tell you now...that butterscotch pudding was just as amazing as it looks!

I can't wait for Saturday's dinner choices! Don't worry, I'll be torturing you with that shoot as well:)

If you live in the metro area, head over to Campiello and you can try these awesome dishes out for yourself!

A Vlog! Pregnancy Pet Peeves, An Apology & My Belly

2011-06-09T06:00:00.001-05:00

Oh yes, it's time for a vlog.

Here's a summary:

I had a very embarrassing moment at our local grocery store and I am sharing it here.

I'm more hormonal than I've ever been throughout this whole pregnancy, so some venting is happening.

My big ole belly is featured, twice!

I'm sorry I rocked in my chair the whole time, I didn't even know I was doing it! It's so natural to me, I was getting motion sickness watching it on this video! Sorry!!

The whole thing is a little dark and grainy, and I'm totally annoyed by that! Jon was giving Sophie a bath and it was about 8pm so it was getting dark. Bummer! Next time I'll try to shoot in better light. I was going to go outside, but I'm afraid of people walking by and thinking I'm crazy!

That is all! Enjoy your dose of pregnancy goodness courtesy of me and my sweaty round tummy!

ps- these thumbnail views from youtube just kill me everytime! So funny! I look insane. Maybe I am?

I Am An Artist

2011-06-07T06:00:00.002-05:00

One of my favorite things about this blog, is that it isn't just a place for me to record the "now".

For me, it's a treasure map. It's a place where I document our space now and where we are headed. It's also a space where I get to sit and look back. I allow myself space and a moment to remember who I was before all of this.

This wife and mother life.

I was a girl with one dream. Just one. I didn't have grand plans of what title would be on my business card or resume. I wanted so badly to be called one very simple, beautiful, precious word.....

An Artist.

I wasn't sure what avenue I'd end up taking. I just knew that word was so powerful to me. It was so bold and so pure and it meant that you were living an authentic life and being your actual self. An artist, to me, was one of the most passionate things a human being could me. They were brave and tall and didn't give a shi* what people thought about them.

I wanted to be free. I wanted to live in a constant state of creativity. I wanted to sleep in piles of paint and wake up with glitter covered fingers.

This dream had lived inside my heart for as long as I could remember. It wasn't anything that was influenced by much outside my own soul. My grandma was a wonderful painter and she would often sit with me and paint in her porch, she was about the only person who allowed me to peek into the world of being an artist. I grew up in a small farm town, where dusty fields and truck stops were the scenery.

I wasn't surrounded by artists or writers or any sort of creative folks at all. I didn't know what this "thing" was inside me. This "thing" that made my wear strange clothes and dye my hair every color under the sun. This "thing" that made me listen to alternative music instead of country. (I still love country music by the way). This "thing" that kept poking me in the belly telling me that I wasn't meant to stay in the one stop light town I was raised in.

I flipped a coin between Chicago and Minneapolis on my 18th birthday. I remember them being the only two "big cities" that were in driving distance from the farm.

And in a 5 second moment I had my decision:

Heads = Minneapolis.

And off I went. No plan. No goal. No idea of who I'd meet or who I'd be. I just wanted to exist and soak it all in.

I'd never met a black person.
I'd never met a gay person.
I'd never driven on a free way.
I'd never even seen an apartment in my life.
I was starving to be around people who were living with meaning and depth and truth.

And so began the very first chapter of my life here. I remember shaking and crying as I'd drive down 35W and the skyline would begin to appear in front of me. To a young 18 year old girl, the City seemed like Tokyo or New York City. I had this overwhelming feeling of "home" that I'd never felt before. (I still feel that way when I see the city skyline.) It was the beginning of me learning to listen to my instincts. A choice that I've never regretted.

Was it perfect?

Not even close. I was knocked on my butt more times than I can even count, but it was just exactly what I wanted. I wanted to struggle, and fall and see what I was made of.

And I did find what I was looking for creatively. I am a firm believer that whatever you put out into the world will find it's way back to you. I became best friends with some of the top performing drag queens in the state. I was rubbing elbows with Minneapolis's award winning chefs, I dated musicians and actors. I ran around town with Interior and Clothing designers. I worked with writers, directors and a model "trainer" who taught models (and me!) how to walk down runways.

My life was dripping wet with artistic influence.

I was like a little squirrel, running around everyone... gathering up nuts to hold onto, wondering how they would play into my artistic life someday.

One of the artists I was introduced to who changed my life was Sabrina Ward Harrison.

Sabrina wrote her first book at the age of 21. She and I were just the same age when I first read her work. She changed my life forever. I finally found the avenue I was searching for with my artistic dream. Her work is a mixture of writing, painting, drawing, photography and multi- media influence with a touch of vintage flair.

It's heaven on earth. And it still gives me goosebumps.

For the first time in my life, I realized that being an artist didn't mean you had to corner yourself into a certain "genre". Being an artist, at the very core of it's meaning was to create something new.

I had never seen drawing and painting, married with sloppy hand writing. I had never met anyone or read anything that spoke so cleanly to my very being before. I felt like a veil was removed from my eyes and all the "nuggets" I'd been gathering up for so long were finally finding a home.

And I knew what I needed next. I would have, and have always had ever since....a craft room.

I wanted a space like hers, perfectly messy and always in progress of magic.

I wanted piles of vintage fabric, colorful ribbon and globs of glue and paint around me at all times. And I'm proud to say, in each place I've lived since discovering her....I've always had a creative space.

When I was in my 20's, I would stay in my craft room, listening to Nora Jones and John Mayer, write in my journals, paint on the walls, and fall asleep on the floor. My alone time was so precious to me. I protected it like a mother bear, often times turning down going out with friends or boyfriends just so I could sit in my "room" and be. I remember I spent the 4th of July in my craft room one year. Not because I didn't have an invitation anywhere, but because I truly wanted to spend time alone. What 23 year old girl turns down a boat party to stay home with her cat and write?

This one.

As deep and wise as I thought I was during my younger years, I was also very in mature as most 20-somethings are. Being an "artist" meant I had to fit a certain mold. I wanted to be the artist who wore second hand clothing and had multi colored hair. I wanted to be the artist who lived in the cramped apartment in Uptown and refused to live in the suburbs.I wanted to be the artist who rode the city bus and worked downtown. I wanted to be the artist who only dated other artists because regular people just "don't get it."

Now I'm a blonde mom, married to a frat guy who lives in the burbs and drives a Honda.

When I crossed over into "mother-ville", I feared I would loose my sense of creativity. I cherished that time so dearly and on such a deep level. As the years have passed, I've noticed that although my creative "time" isn't as abundant as was, I still find my creative energy seeping out of my pores.

Being an artist isn't something that goes away.

It can't be smothered or taken away or removed from my soul. No amount of kids, or lack of free time can remove the seed God planted in my heart. Throughout the past years, I have seen my creativity spring out of me in spaces I wasn't even trying to let it run free.

It found me every time I tried a new recipe.
It found me when I finally learned how to make fabric rolled flowers.
It found me when I bought our "fancy camera" and started taking pictures.
It found me every year I planned Sophie's birthday parties.
It found me when I decorated her room when I was pregnant.
It found me when I decorated cookies for the Holidays.
It found me when I conceived my daughter...because what is more "creative" than creating a human being?
It found me when I started this blog.

I never feel closer to God than when I'm in my creative "zone" making something, and listening to my instincts.

No matter how much I ignore it, my creativity will find me. It doesn't care if I'm a boring old mom or housewife. It will scream and kick until it finds a way into my life.... one way or another. It will bend and mold itself to whatever new stage I'm in. It doesn't care if it comes from my kitchen, or my Christmas cards. It just wants to be heard, nourished and loved.

So this is the part where I declare that I am still an artist.

That buzzy, shaky feeling I get when I'm in the "zone" and I lose track of time is still there. The rush and high I feel when I finally make my vision a reality isn't manufactured. I'm allowed to be reborn as an artist as many times as I need to allow my creativity to exist. It is as much a part of me as my fingerprint. It will never stop growing. It will never go away. It will always rest inside of me, waiting to be cultivated and encouraged.

And that is my job. I will not judge myself and think I'm "less than" because I'm not fitting a specific mold I thought I had to be in order to call myself an "artist". My spirit and soul are the same whether I'm covered in baby vomit or not. I'm still me.

And I'm pretty cool.
No, I'm really fricking cool.

Sophie's Third Birthday Party (Photo Heavy!)

2011-06-02T00:00:00.003-05:00

Yeah.

So....

That whole speech I gave last week about blogging during my preparation for Sophie's party was really such a joke! I really didn't even realize how much I bit off this year, and I didn't even get to breathe near the computer, let alone sit down and ramble out any sort of thoughts I was having.

If I had found the time, my posts would have been random outbursts written in all caps similar to this:

WHAT THE HECK WAS I THINKING?! WHY DIDN'T I JUST CATER THIS PARTY?! HEEELLLP MEEE!!!!

So, it's probably best that I didn't take any time to preserve memories during my week of prep work. We wouldn't want to remember that now would we?

As always, I can look back on it now with a clear view and see just what a controlling, perfectionist, diva I am!

I insisted on making all the food from scratch. I insisted on making nearly 60 or 70 cake pops. I insisted each one had a doily and a photo of Sophie on it. I insisted on making 40 individual frozen ice cream cake servings. I insisted on making my own tissue paper puff balls. I insisted on spray painting pastel colors on stems and twigs I stole from trees outside after dark. I insisted on spray painting pickle jars I saved for months and making chalk board labels on the front of each one. I insisted on making my own cupcake liner garland. I insisted on grilling all our own meat. I insisted on making party favors and crowns for the kids.

I'm surprised my husband didn't "insist" on renting a hotel room for the week for himself!

And I'm almost 7 months pregnant remember?

I'm only mentioning that because I totally forgot that fact somewhere along the way. I slipped into my old Chana "party planner" mode and totally forgot that I'm carrying a human being inside of me! My body didn't let me forget, that's for sure. My swollen ankles and creaky back is the proof. The old mare just ain't what she used to be.

With all that said, it was a success. And it was exactly what I had in my "vision" for the event. It was pretty. It was dainty. It was an event fit for a princess. The food turned out great (no one got sick....that is a bonus in my book!), the decor and desserts were just as I expected. So, I'm thrilled.

Will she remember?

I doubt it. But I will have tons of photographs to throw in her face when she's screaming "You never loved me" during some point of her teen age years.

Every time I have any event that I'm in "charge" of, I'm always so disappointed on the photography end. There just isn't enough of me to go around, and no one is brave enough to grab my camera and take photos. I have only a few "photography regrets" this year:

No pictures of the jumping castle we rented for the kids. Not a single one. I think at that point, I was too worried about my ice cream cups melting.

No pictures of my mom and Sophie. Or anyone and Sophie for that matter. Besides her cousin Layla.

Hardly any pictures of Sophie in her pretty dress before it got slopped with food! UGH! Best be believing, I'll be marching that kid outside this week for a little photo shoot re-do!

Not enough pictures of all the guests. I missed so many people I dearly love! But with nearly 40 friends and family and one 7 month pregnant lady re-filling food, serving ice cream and waddling around taking pictures, it's bound to happen!

FORGOT TO VIDEO TAPE! BOOOO!!

Alright. That's enough! Lets enjoy the moments I did grasp.

These pretty little darlings were spray painted weeks ago and sat in waiting to become......

This! And now they sit on a shelf in Sophie's room, housing all the teeny tiny pieces of toys she received! Barbie doll shoes, My Little Pony parts, ect. I love that I can change the labels. I may just make some of these for my craft room.

As you can tell, my new BFF this year was chalk board paint. I feel in L-O-V-E with everything you can do with it! I bought this little silver tray at the dollar store for .....well...a dollar! And turned it into....

This! Yeah! So cool. And now it hangs in our kitchen and we use it to write our grocery list on.

I'm telling you. I went a little crazy with the tissue paper puff balls this year. I've always been so in love with the look these can bring to a party. Little did I know how easy it is to make them! My BFF Sarah helped me out with these and I love them so much! I spray painted branches in purple, pink, blue, and white and I think it turned out adorable. I'm working of finding a way to get these in Sophie's room now. Way too cute to shove in storage!

I was also obsessed with cupcake liner garland. I love how it turned out, but I will say, it was my biggest pain in the rear. I think it was because I used metallic liners and not regular paper. They were so heavy and didn't hang quite right, in my opinion. And they took forever to string! I liked them, but won't be doing them again next year (I doubt! Can't promise anything!)

All the girls got a crown and a little princess themed goodie bag from Sophie. Eh, heck...it was from me...but you know what I mean! Jeweled boxes were just under a dollar a piece at Pier 1 Imports this year. And everything else came from that beloved dollar bin at Target! Love you Target!!

I've made a 12 month board for Sophie every year now. I have no idea when I'll quit making these things. For some reason Mom guilt just won't let me! So for all I know, she's going to end up having 18 boards, or maybe even 21 of them!!

The pic on the doily says, "Thank you for popping in!"

Ahhh...desserts!

They make me so happy!! Well, lets start with cake pops. My friend Tauna gave me a recipe where you use crushed up oreos (in a food processor until it's dust!) and mix with cream cheese. SOOOO much easier than my original recipe with cake and frosting. Mostly because I could make them ahead of time, like 4 days ahead, and keep them in the fridge.

The ice cream cups tasted amazing and turned out great. I'd really like to overlook the drama that those cost me during the week. Maybe just a little re-cap. You see, this is a recipe that easily could have been made in a cake pan. I could have cut out pieces from a cake pan and served them in the bowls. But NOOOOOO...I had to be all Martha Stewart and make them each individually in their own cups because it looks nicer! Heaven Help Me! Each one has it's own Oreo cookie crust layer, then softened ice cream, then home made fudge, then whip cream. Each layer had to be frozen on it's own before you could start the next. So that meant I was taking 40 cups in and out of our tiny freezer about 5 times. That meant we could have no food in our freezer because it wouldn't fit! That meant a lot of swearing and crying for an overly exhausted pregnant lady who ate nearly half a bag of Oreos while assembling these little buggers.

But.

They turned out pretty. And tasted good. The end.

Ah yes! There was a kid at the party! And sadly, this is about the only shot I got of her in her party dress. Right before she slopped hot fudge down the front of it.

Sophie and her cousin Layla. They were the best of friends all day long.

Oh HEY! We were there too! The folks who created the three year old! I wanted to lay down so badly by this time!

I love this picture for so many reasons. Our hair looks exactly the same. And we both have the same expression on our faces. I just love looking at this because she truly looks like the daughter I imagined she'd be when I found out I was having a girl just about 4 years ago. She's so pretty.

Whoa! That's a big bellied Mama right there! And a grumpy 3 year old who had to change her dress so was just finished crying about it....hence the red puffy eyes and nose.

And we did it!
Nearly all my make-up was worn off at this point, this is our annual, "end of the party, lets snap one in the kitchen" photo we're so famous for. Usually she is bawling....so this is considered pretty good!

And to think: Next year I'll have two of these suckers to plan and prepare for!

Lord Help Me.

(psst....I've been hearing some rumbling and grumbling about Blogger not allowing certain folks to comment on blogs. If that's the case here, will you please message me on facebook or email me? If we aren't facebook friends- WHY NOT?! Please click on my little facebook icon so we can be buds! Thanks!)

She Can't Be Three

2011-05-26T09:00:00.003-05:00

This has been a post I've been dreading for months. Correction: This is an event I've been dreading for months. I don't know what it was about her turning three that was such a source of panic for me. It's the never ending feeling of "there she goes," swimming in my head with each passing month. So many times I've wanted to sit on her to keep her from growing and going. Now, I do realize how crazy that sounds. But these are the wails of a mama who didn't have any idea how fast this would go.

And now she's three.

There was nothing I could do to stop it. Nothing I could say to bribe it. Time did it's thing and slapped me with another reality check. This I can not control. Each year with her I'm in awe for so many different reasons. The first and always most intense is: "We did it!"

We made it through another year! She survived. We survived. We got knocked down and got back up and we are stronger than we were. I usually reflect on the lessons of the previous 12 months and am always shocked at how we are always elevated to a whole new level of parenting. As she becomes a confident young lady, we become more confident parents and we grow and change and learn together. It's a beautiful thing.

I still hate the growing up part though. I don't care if I sound crazy! It's so amazing to watch her become her own person. It's rewarding to see her discover and challenge herself. I try to be so filled with gratitude when she tells me, "I can do it myself now Mommy, I'm a big girl!" In those moments, there is a satisfied chunk of me who can see her hard work paying off. Yet, there is a bigger chunk of me that has to deal with the fact that soon, and sooner than I can even begin to imagine...she will be saying that about everything.

What is it they say?

"We give them roots and wings"

I try to repeat that mantra to myself daily as I find myself struggling with the parts of parenting I didn't realize would creep up on me. The parts where I fear the unknown. The parts where I fear that I didn't appreciate these precious years enough. The parts where I get too caught up in the distractions and don't stop to fill my gratitude journal with everything God has blessed us with.

In the last three years with her, I have had the most powerful moments of my life. And I still can't believe God choose me to be her mom.

She's so cool.

And I'm not just saying that because she's my kid. She really is so cool. She's the best of everything I could have imagined and so much more. More than anything in this world I want to just make sure I spend every moment I can muster telling her how acknowledged she is in our lives. I want her to know in her bones how supported she is. I want her to feel like she can jump as high and all as many times as she wants, because she will always have a soft place to land.

And I'll bite my tongue and let the tears fall in my bathroom when I see her stepping out on her own. Because I will know it was my hard work and devotion to her soul that created her confidence. It's the bitter in the sweet no one could have prepared me for.

I know some who can't understand may be saying. "It's just Three! She's still little!!"

No.

This is little. This little baby used to rest her head on my shoulder and I'd rock her to sleep for hours. This little baby used to twirl my hair in her hand and suck on it when she was tired. This little baby could only grunt and point when she wanted something. This little baby used to smell like formula and baby powder. This little baby used to sleep on her tummy with her thumb in her mouth. This little baby used to think peek a boo with a blanket was as thrilling as a ride at Disney Land. This little baby had nothing else in her world besides me and Jon. She didn't know where we were going, what we were doing, as long as we were there...she was fine.

Now she's a little girl.

She is becoming her own person right before my eyes. I will cling to the moments I know we share. I'm lucky that we do still have our own little "things" that are just Mamma and Sophie's. And I will suck every last drop from each and every one of them until there are none left!

I hope she still lets me blow her 4 kisses before I leave her room for bedtime.

One big one.
Two for each cheek
One for under her pillow to save for later.

I hope she still lets me hold her on my lap in the morning for the first ten minutes she's waking up.

I hope she still wants me to make her chocolate milk because I make it "Da Best."

I hope she still wants me to kiss Ted (her bear) on his nose before bed.

I hope she still requests I turn up the radio and sing along when we're in the car.

I hope she still lets me play princess with her, even if I have to be fat ugly Ursala every time and she's always Ariel.

I hope she still reaches for my hand when we pray at dinner.

Most of all, I hope she's remembering all of this. Even if it's not on a conscience level where she'll have real memories of our life. I hope it's soaking into her soul and the feelings will be familiar to her. I hope I've injected so much love and support into her DNA that every time she thinks about her family.....her heart will swell and she will just know what a blessing she is to us and this world.

My greatest wish for all my children, (and my husband) is that I made them feel and know that they matter. I have this tiny itty bitty window of time to plant these seeds before I let her go into the world where there is influence beyond my own. I don't take this job lightly!

This is God's work we do as Mothers.

As we turn the corner to another year that will slip away from me. I'll allow myself just one day to sulk in my Pity Party pants.

just one day.

My girl is Three.

Deep Breaths.

A Vlog: Me, My Hubby and his Secret Admirer

2011-05-24T00:00:00.001-05:00

Well my friends, the time is here.

Just as I promised... I have a Vlog post for all of you featuring my husband and myself!

The Back Story:

Jon received a very strange love poem in the mail at work a few weeks ago. It was mailed with no return address and his two male co-workers in the office each got a copy as well. My husband is the property manager where we live and his employees, Eddy and Brian both work in the office leasing apartments and helping the residents. We are unsure if this poem is from an actual resident, or maybe a prospect they took on an apartment show. Or if it is just a sick funny joke from a friend!

Either way, I forced Jon to read it in a vlog form so I could share with you guys just how funny this poem is! It's so over the top and corney it can't be real! Please tell me what you think!

About the Vlog:

I fidget way too much. I kept obsessing that my boobs were hanging out the top of my dress. These boobies are getting out of control at 6.5 months along! Forgive me!

Also, I didn't realize we are out of focus and the bottom of Sophie's pink chair is totally showing in the video. And our comforter is crooked and you can see the picture frames in the back ground of my living room!

Oh well!

I'm just happy I got my man to sit next to me so you can see us in our usual rare form. Total dorks. And he's cracking me up like he always does.

Enjoy! (and it's just about 3 min long! yeah!)

And just as promised: Here I am, frozen in time with my double chin staring to see if my nipples are hanging out! Awesome! Thanks YouTube!

I Have A New Blog Design!

2011-05-23T09:18:00.000-05:00

Yeah!!

The time has come to finally reveal my new look!

After a month of work (well, not really "work" more like awesome design fun!), I feel I have the space that reflects who I am at this point in my "blogging life".

I told Shalon of Pretty Lovely Designs that I wanted the look to be "vintage chic". I gave her some pointers of technical things I wanted changed and the rest of the beauty came from her. She really is the most amazing friend/artist I know and I'm so blessed to have her in my blog corner!

Would you like a tour?

Go ahead and scroll around!

I've switched to a 2 column layout to create more space for larger photos.

I have new photos uploaded in our "about" pages in the navigation bar.

I have a whole new categories section, no longer rocking the "cloud". Shalon came up with an awesome idea to create tabs of more simple category topics.

Archives are now in my navigation bar.

I have a special button created that links you directly to my Vlog posts, as I plan on doing a TON more!

Blog Love buttons will all be posted in my navigation bar (don't worry if you don't see yours yet...I'm still adding!)

NEW BUTTON!! Will you please update your button of mine if you have it on your blog? Pretty please? The anal Chana is freaking out thinking of my old button floating along in the internet!

And there you have it!

The official tour. I hope you enjoy!

Here is some random stuff about this week:

Sophie's 3rd birthday is Wednesday and her birthday party is Saturday!

Chelsey from The Paper Mama designed Sophie's invite this year! Isn't it so cute?!

So this week I will be running around like a crazy lady, getting all her decorations ready for the party. We're doing a "princess theme" so we have crowns to design, garland to make, cake pops to roll, prizes to wrap up, posters to make and so much more. I have every intention of blogging about it along the way, but you all know how it goes sometimes:)

I have the FUNNIEST vlog post from Jon and I to post this week! I've been waiting to post until the new look was uploaded. I can't wait to show you guys, I begged him to do it and dare I say he enjoyed it. So keep checking back if you want to see me and my hubby in video form!

Also:

Some crap-tastic sort of virus has attacked my "side" of the computer. When you log in as me, you are un able to access the internet or any of my photos. So today, and until I get it fixed....I'm logged in on Jon's "side" which has no photos and none of my programs for editing that I use. Should be quite an interesting week! Man I hate technology sometimes! If anyone has ever heard of this or has any advice, please let us know! I feel lost! Again, maybe another sign I need to step away from the Net this week? Hmmmm....

Why I Almost Quit Blogging

2011-05-16T00:00:00.047-05:00

Awhile ago, I wrote a post about change.

Needing change. Wanting change. Craving change on the deepest level of my conscience.

I wasn't sure exactly how I was going to achieve this, but I knew I had to have it.

Something was tugging at me, way down in my soul and I couldn't really pick apart where it was coming from. I knew I felt "off" and that I was feeling a bit cornered in my own life. The days were flying by me and I was left spinning at the end, wondering to myself "just what did I get accomplished today?"

At first I thought maybe we needed to move. Our apartment gets cramped very fast, with the toys and clothes and pieces of life that get thrown about. Indeed we need more space. So I prayed about that, "God...do we need to move? Is it time to find a house?", I let it marinate for a day or so and realized.....nope. Not yet. Jon working on site provides our family with a wonderful discount on rent and saves us hundreds of dollars in gas money a month since he doesn't have to drive anywhere. It is the only reason I get to be a stay at home mom. We need to pay a few more debts off and save a bit more money before we take that leap.

Okay?

So what is it?

One morning I woke up, and found that my entire blog list I follow was wiped clean. Gone. Disappeared. I sat there staring at my empty dashboard and thought, "Well this sucks. How will I ever begin to remember everyone and start from scratch again? How will I survive without my daily peek into everyone's lives?"

And the next day...it came back. And I was relieved.

Then, my facebook wouldn't allow me to log in. It refused my password and said I need to create a new account? WHAT? You have got to be kidding me! I left it alone for a day, and came back to find it back to normal.

A day later...the same thing happened with my email. It told me that someone had been trying to log in as me and I needed to create a new password. You gotta be kidding me. So I did it. And waited and everything worked out fine.

Then...my blogger list got cleaned out again, and I was staring at an empty dashboard for the second time. This time it was for almost a week. The difference was, this time....instead of becoming a frantic beast determined to get back every one of the blogs I followed, I just let it be. I was almost relieved?

Aaaaand then the biggie happened. Blogger completely shut down for almost 2 days. Gone. Poof. Done.

And it hit me.

It's the Internet sucking the life out of me.

I'm a huge believer in signs. I often look way too deeply into situations that may not even have significant meaning. But when you are trying your best to keep your ear close to the Lords message, you look where ever you can for answers. In this case, I needed a few "wake up calls" before I got the hint. Everyday something would happen to a website that would literally take hours away from myself and my family. And I didn't even pick up on it! Now I don't know about you, but that was God shaking me awake, and trying His best to answer my question.

Something had to change.

So I prayed that He would show me where to go with this. I knew I couldn't give up facebook completely (well...I COULD, but it would break my mom's heart who lives and breathes for the Sophie pics I post)

Email, well I barely linger there.

So that left blogging. It seemed so silly to pray to God about my blog, but that's what I did. I really just needed guidance on a direction for it. I needed to figure out why I was doing it, who I was doing it for, and how was it benefiting my family?

Those weeks I blogged just once a week. I didn't have any blogs in my dashboard to follow, so I didn't even read anyone else's blogs! It was strangely freeing. It reminded me of the days when I was a "lurker" and I had no followers. I could just write my post, and be on my merry way for the day with no guilt at all! I kind of loved it.

I also realized that I hadn't written in my real journal for over a year. Right about the time I started this blog, I gave up my hand written journals. Something I have been doing since I was 9 years old. I honestly have almost 100 journals filled with my handwriting. I even started one just for Sophie when she was born. I'd write to her everyday, much like I do here. But the pages from the last year have remained empty and that made me sad.

(these are a few of the pages from my Sophie journal I started just 3 years ago)

Because as much as I love blogging, something about it was turning me off. It was starting to feel very contrived. Like I was trying too hard. I can't really explain what shift happened inside of me, but I began to almost dread it. For me, and my direction, it started to feel not authentic. I found myself wanting to hold back. And save certain moments just for Sophie and our family. I didn't feel like sharing everything anymore. And I didn't feel like writing any "filler" posts just to feel good about writing something.

I got stage fright.

I missed writing just for us

I wanted Sophie to have something just for herself and I started to wonder, what if she hated me for sharing her life with the world? What if she becomes a very private young lady and didn't appreciate me spilling every potty story, tantrum fit, and milestone of her life? The guilt started to sink in and I realized that I just may be over it.

So I continued in my prayer. Asking God if I should quit once and for all? And as I waited for a sign, or feeling. A few things happened.

My blog designer emailed me with a sample of a new blog design she came up with. I totally new look. An absolute fresh design with no ties to my previous space. And I got warm and fuzzy. It is amazing.

A good talk with my friend Alyssa, helped me to realize I needed better time management. I could no longer just sit down at the computer. I need to schedule a time frame allowed and stick to it.

I realized I needed to cut back on the posts and get back to hand writing in my journals. If I still wrote to Sophie in her own book, I won't feel as guilty about her not having her own personal stories from her mother. I don't need to write 5 days a week on my blog.

Two days a week, absolutely no internet. These days can be varied depending on the week. Believe it or not, it was just 5 years ago I lived on my own in my apartment and I had no internet. Sometimes I would go a month without checking my email. It can be done. And I need to do it.

And I also realized that blogging wasn't just for my daughter, or our families memories. It was for me too. Blogging has taught me about sewing, editing photos, photography, crafting, and cooking. I have made friends that I know will be life long and I will depend on forever. Blogging has helped me through my child's first flu, my miscarriage, and count less insecure moments. There are no words for the impact it has made on my life. Staying home can be so lonely, but blogging helped me feel alive, and relevant again as myself. Something I could never have imagined. It brought back my "cool Chana" who was buried beneath the rubble of diapers and spit up.

So in the end. I'm not giving up. I'm just cutting back.

I will have my new blog design soon and in that space I will create a different direction. One that is more relaxed and less competitive. One that will be more authentic. I'm not sure if there will be a specific "direction" but I know I won't be putting any pressure on myself to create one. I will just let it be. Some weeks may have one post and some may have 7. Only time will tell.

But I do hope you stick around for the ride! As we are all in this together, finding our way and often shining the light for others. We're all growing and evolving and searching for more in this world. I'm no different.

And I'm happy to be here.

This was a page out of my journal from when I was 21 years old. I've leaned on it for so may re-births.

I used it every time I quit a job, not knowing where I was going to work next.

I used it every time I broke up with a lame boyfriend, knowing i deserved better but still wondering if I'd die alone.

I used it every time I put a notice to vacate on an apartment I lived in, not knowing where I was going to live next.

I used it when I said "yes" to a marriage proposal from Jon, having only dated 8 months, but believing with all my heart that a marriage between us would be nothing less then magical.

I used it when we made the choice to start trying to conceive Sophie.

I used it when we started trying to get pregnant after months of healing from our miscarriage last summer.

I used it when this tiny idea to start a blog popped into my head over a year ago.

I used it when I began my quest to learn photography.

And I'll use it now, as I usher in my new blog, new child and new lady I'm sure to become from all of these changes.

I kind of get a kick that the 21 year old Chana is still guiding and inspiring the 31 year old Chana. Life is funny.

Sophie Makes Soup

2011-05-11T00:00:00.002-05:00

It's been a delightful challenge transitioning into this new world.

The world I'm speaking of is one of raising a little girl.

I really expected my child would stay a baby forever. I know every mom says that, but I really believed I'd be the only mom who gave birth to the worlds first "forever baby."

Sadly I'm realizing that is just not the case. I've got a little girl on my hands over here. One that is just weeks from being 3. I honestly can't even touch that subject at the moment for fear my tears will soak my keyboard and crash my computer. So we'll leave that for another day.

This little girl constantly asks questions. She wants reason and excuses for every decision we make now. "Because Mommy said so", doesn't do the trick anymore. She wants to know why we make the choices we do. She wants to know where we're going, what we will do when we get there, who will we see there, and when will we be back. I never stop talking. Ever. But it's welcomed because I do realize I'm her teacher. It's my job to help her feel secure in her world and offer as much information as she needs to grasp what our lives are.

Her newest thing is telling me she's "bored" all the time.

"Mommy, I'm bored."

I hear that phrase about 50 times a day. She stretches my creativity to the limits, causing me to come up with new variations of stimulation at the drop of a hat.

This day, I came up with the idea of letting her make "soup."

We tore apart the cupboards looking for ingredients for her soup. I found some expired crackers, old oatmeal packets, sprinkles that I hadn't used in over a year. We picked some "magic flowers" (aka: dandelions) because no soup would be complete without fresh flowers with magic petals!

And away she went!

This is how Mommy got 4 loads of laundry folded and put away in an hour!

Sadly, this is also how mommy attracted every wicked squirrel on the property who came in hoards waiting for us to throw cracker crumbs at them.

So we did.

Big Mistake.

Now they refuse to leave and have taken over our deck as their own personal "soup kitchen", no pun intended. Every day I open our blinds and see at least 4 of them staring back at me wondering when they will be served.

ugh.

What can you do?

My Big Fat Baby Belly- For Your Delight

2011-05-09T00:27:00.001-05:00

It is time.

It's the time I showcase this round bulging bump that is resting on my thighs as I type this.

I don't have one single photo of me from when I was pregnant with Sophie. They all got lost in the "Great Computer Crash" of 2009. It's a dreadful time we don't speak of. We lost every photo from Sophie's first year of life as well. Yuck. I don't want to think about it!

Anyway....this pregnancy I decided I'd make an effort to snap at least one shot of myself while I'm pregnant. I love photos of my mom when she was pregnant with me. I have seen only one, a very yellow tinted Polaroid where my mom is sitting at the kitchen table in my grandma's house. She was just 19 years old (ohmygosh....nineteen?), her hair was very stylishly frizzed in that classic 70's look. She was wearing a purple sweater, hands resting on her belly. I love that photo.

In my attempts at creating never ending memories for our children... I forced a curling iron to my hair, blush to my cheeks, slapped a dress on and hauled my butt outside. I've trained the hubby well, and I have to say he did a pretty good job!

Hello Brewing Baby Wood!

There you go folks. The real deal. Ain't no getting around it anymore, the strange "Is that lady fat? Or pregnant?" looks have now crossed into "That lady is really pregnant." glances.

And I love it!

This pregnancy is more than I could have asked for. It really is just as easy as pie. Not much morning sickness, hardly any heart burn, a few back cramps....but that's it! I know I shouldn't count my eggs before they are hatched over here...but dare I say, I'm enjoying being pregnant?

I believe I shall!

I'm enjoying being pregnant!

It's been a delight, and maybe that extra sweetness came from the miscarriage we suffered last summer? Maybe I'm just a little more aware if how precious it is to create life? I'm not sure. Either way. I'm soaking it up, because it's flying by! Only 3 more months to go!

Lets see if I'm singing the same tune when I'm 3 weeks from being due? Only time will tell!

But when I'm complaining about the heartburn, back pain, hemorrhoids , swollen feet, and constipation....will you all be dear friends and remind me of this post/day?

Because this day right here? This was a beautiful day to be a pregnant Chana.

Change

2011-05-02T00:00:00.007-05:00

Hi Friends.

Long time, no blog!

It's funny because I have so much to say yet....I'm just not ready to "go there" you know? And I totally feel like a teenage drama queen right now. It's nothing earth shaking, or life threatening, or major like that. No divorce or sick children or death. Just a feeling that's been weighing on my heart, pushing me toward a change that I haven't really processed yet. Actually, I'm still not sure where this change is leading me- which is why I'm still hesitant to really express anything about it here at the moment.

I'm marinating, lets say. I'm trying to sit very still and really breathe in whatever this feeling is. I've had this feeling before, it's the same wave that would hit me right before I knew I had to quit a job. It's the feeling I'd get when I knew it was time to break up with my boyfriend. It's the feeling I'd get when I knew it was time to move out of my apartment (something I did 10 times in 9 years). It's my soul pressing me toward change, telling me something new is on the horizon. And I know just what to do when this familiar sensation plants it's self in my conscience.

I wait.
I pray.
I listen.

And that's the place I'll be in until I log on to Blogger again.

More on that to come! I promise!

For now, I'm documenting a very typical story in our household. We are a weird crew, in case you haven't noticed. All of us, including my daughter and I'm sure my fetus will follow....have very very strange, sick senses of humor. You've been warned.

Meet Greensie. Sophie named her. And I know the doll looks totally freaky. She was a dollar store find, and when you cost only a dollar....I guess your eyeballs tend to fall out. I mean for a buck I can't really expect her to last that long. It took less than a week for both eyes to plunk back into her head causing her to rattle when you shake her.

We had to come up with a solution so we found some left over jelly beans and plopped them in her eye sockets. I will say, I am not the one who came up with the even creepier black drawings on the eyes. That was all Jon and Sophie. I simply picked out the jelly beans, because believe it or not...the empty eye sockets were even worse than what you are looking at here.

And there you have it. Sophie is thrilled with her new freaky friend. She loves to chase us around the house with her screaming "Greensie is looking at you!"

Greensie, is NOT allowed in Sophie's bedroom after dark though...per her request. And I can't blame her!

Our Easter Post 2011

2011-04-26T00:00:00.002-05:00

Oh my.

I almost had to blow off dust on this trusty old lap top here to get back to bloggin.

My fingers have been aching for the soft little clicky pads of grey letters, but I just couldn't do it. I think I had the Flu Blues. It's a term I made up myself for when you are finally over the flu and you need just a few more days to process.

It's over. I feel like that little lady in the movie Poltergeist who screams, "The Demons Have Left The Building" (is that the movie it's from?) The flu whipped through us all in a 2 week swoop and left me with a very grateful heart, but also....a crap ton of laundry.
And dishes.
And vacuuming.
And an empty fridge and bare cupboards.

I sort of feel that essence of when you get back from vacation and you have "real life" to get back to. Only our vacation didn't involve sand or salt water. Just a lot of puke and mud butt. (Jon's term).

At least I'm proud to say...we made it to Easter! We skipped the dying part of eggs this year, because frankly....after having the flu for almost 2 weeks, no one in this home needed to smell a boiled egg Or eat any sort of deviled egg/egg salad dish after. Nuh-uh.

Instead, I got to stay up way too late filling Easter eggs with candy and toys. I got to get up early and waddle my preggie butt around our back yard and plop the bright colored plastic eggs all over. I got to watch my almost 3 year old squeal and pant as she tore around the yard, discovering not one but two Easter baskets filled with toys, bubbles and treats (hey...she was sick! She deserved two!). And she found all 50 eggs in a matter of 10 minutes.

Like the lazy mama I am, I didn't have the ambition to photograph the egg hunt. I suck. However, I did video tape it...which eased my guilt in the memories department.

I did get the chance to whip out my tripod and new remote for a family photo once we were all gussied up for dinner at Jon's parents.

And you can see the very tippy top of my baby bump. That's all anyone is getting for now. In the future, I may....just may take some appropriate pregnancy photos now that I have my own remote to do it, but no promises! Maybe one when I'm HUGE and we can all laugh!

The whole day I kept thinking how this would be Sophie's last Easter all by herself. This would be the last time I had just one child to focus on and although it's such an incredible blessing that we are having another child, I knew I had to make this one count for Sophie as much as I could. So I did what I know how to do best. Take her picture and give her candy.

We got this sweet little vintage inspired dress a month or two ago at Marshalls. It was $45.00 marked down to $10.00! Can you believe it! I love a deal!! The hat was 7 bucks at Target. Shoes 9 bucks on clearance last year! BOOM! That's how we do a darling Easter ensemble on the cheap at the Woods. I'm all about it. She has worn the dress to bed and all day today and I don't even care for ten bucks.

Love her. Love her. Love her. Love her.

And this is what it's all about.

I Am Not Superwoman

2011-04-21T00:00:00.002-05:00

Remember how cocky I was being about my husband getting the flu and not me?

yeah. well that was not nice.

Now it seems I am not immune with my super duper pregnancy powers to block sickness. Boo.

That's right, this demonic sickness is making a clean sweep through the Wood crew and hitting a home run with me. The Mamma. Only difference is, I don't get to lay in bed all day and have someone give me sips of Sprite and water like Sophie and Jon did. I get no sick pay or time off. This lady has to keep rolling. Which is what I'll be doing, praying this doesn't last more than a day or so.

So forgive my absence in the blogging world, friends. I'll be back up and running soon I hope, and I'll see you on the other side. (the healthy side...not death, realizing that sounds a little morbid:)

I hate you flu.

Our Child Needs A Name! Wanna Help?

2011-04-20T00:00:00.002-05:00

Is it horrible that we haven't picked out a name for our child yet?

Wait....even more importantly, is it horrible that we haven't even started discussions about a name for our child yet?

At first I avoided the topic of a name because I was scared to death. After my miscarriage last summer, I was terrified to give an identity to this child out of the fear that the horror could possibly strike again. So I remained as disconnected as I could in a total self protection mode which has lasted until about a month or so ago. It's not anything anyone could possibly understand unless they have been there. I remember feeling so bonded with Sophie when I found out I was pregnant at just 5 weeks.

This time it took me 5 months.

It's a very strange thing to know you are pregnant, yet not really allow yourself to believe you are pregnant. The way my mind decided to cope with the possibility of a miscarriage seemed like it was very much out of my control. Having issues with anxiety to begin with, allowing myself to absorb what this really meant, the good and the bad, was out of the question. I dealt with it the way my subconscious could afford to.... I sort of ignored it. I went on with my daily life the best I could, but every so often was left with this feeling of doom leaning around the corner.

Is it going to happen again?
Was that a cramp?
Am I going to wipe after I pee and see blood again?
Should I be throwing Sophie like this?
Am I going to mess this up again?

The way for me to fight these thoughts, keep myself sane and in the present moment for my family, was to just wait. I told myself that I would wait until that first ultra sound when I could see the proof that this child was indeed, real and healthy and okay.

So that's what I did. I waited. And prayed. And waited. And prayed. And waited some more. And prayed some more.

It's a strange prayer to say to God, "Thank you so much for trusting me with this little life, but I don't wanna think about it right now okay? I promise the gratitude you deserve is coming, Lord."

But I believe He got it. I mean, if anyone knows me, it's Him.

The ultra sound came, and I saw what I was expecting. I saw the real, wiggling little person inside me. I saw a strong beating heart, all the organs functioning and in their proper place, and a sweet little profile. And even though I was seeing it....I still was having issues believing it. I was in a very strange place between feeling the warmth and love only an expecting mother can understand as they see the human inside them....and feeling like I was being tricked. I was about two beats away from asking the lady if there was a dvd playing a video of someone else's baby. Trauma does crazy things to your brain folks.

At nearly 5 months along, I thought it was time to dust off the box I'd been dreading to touch since I lost our baby last summer.

My maternity clothes.

I'd borrowed them to my friend Jenny, just the year before when she was pregnant with her twin boys
(dear Lord can you imagine?!). She mailed them back to me about a month after I'd had my miscarriage. I didn't even open the box. I threw it in the back of our storage unit and quickly covered it with the piles of random junk we had in there, in hopes that I wouldn't even catch a glance at it when I was digging for a toy of Sophie's or something. I wanted nothing to do with that box. I hated that box. I almost burned that box.

As I was busting out of my pants, trying to pretend the "baby bump" I was growing was just too much pasta bloat, I knew it was time to get out the box.

After 8 months of collecting dust in our storage unit, I dug out the thing I'd been dreading. I tore it open and before I could even pull out the first pair of maternity jeans, I saw a bright green envelope with my name on it. Jenny had written me a little note and stuck it in the box when she mailed it back. I opened it and could feel the sting of tears starting almost immediately. It said something like this:

"Thanks so much for letting me use your clothes! I know for a fact you will be wearing them again someday, praying for you!"

And as I sat down on the edge of our bed, allowing the tears to fall and the wind to leave my body for a minute, I felt my first kick. And then another. And then a big one. It was as if this little person was trying to say, "See Mom? I'm alright!" And I knew I was ready to open my heart up, finally.

Which leads me to you.

Can you do me a favor? Will you leave me a comment with your favorite girl and boy (just in case!) names? I want to start the process of naming our baby and this pile of baby names staring at me is a little overwhelming. So I thought I'd get your advice and ideas first? I would appreciate it so much!

If nothing else, we can always go with "Cletus the Fetus" which is what we called Sophie for nearly 7 months when she was in my womb too:)

Sophie Vlogs- Dinner Chat With My Girl

2011-04-18T00:00:00.008-05:00

Well Friends.

We are on the mend over here. And I can't thank you enough for all your sweet comments and support during this stinking flu that has now taken my husband down!

I don't know if it's mean of me or not, but I'm so thankful Sophie is getting better. And I'm SO thankful I haven't gotten it yet. Because if Mamma goes down folks....it ain't gonna be pretty. So I'm hoping my super woman pregnancy immune system blocks any virus from invading my body.

Sorry hubby....sucks to be you:) Better you than me!

Let me set up the video you are about to watch. It's just over 2 min by the way, so you shouldn't get in trouble at work *wink*. We filmed it just about 3 weeks ago.

I have this thing I tell Sophie over and over, trying to engrave as much self esteem into her subconscious as I possibly can. It's so tough being a woman in the world. I don't want her to compare herself to other girls and ever feel like she's not good enough. I spent way too much of my life hating myself and being jealous of other girls/women. I feel it's my job to shovel enough self esteem in her as I possibly can, yet tip-toeing away from arrogance as it's a fine line.

It's a watered down mantra for a 2 year old but it goes like this:

"Sophie, God made you pretty and perfect."

I probably tell her that 20 times a day. And this particular evening...we were having dinner alone because Jon was working late and I asked her to tell me how God made her. Her response was something that had me rolling off my chair with laughter. Seriously, this kid of mine is a riot!

There is also a lot of talk about tooting.
A little verse from her favorite Ke$ha song.
You will meet her baby dolls Maggie and Molly and also hear her interpretation of how they speak.
Poop talk of course.
Lots of tired, silly giggles.

This is basically just a big fat scoop of life with a 2 year old. Gotta love it.

ps- please ignore the garbage in the corner of the video. my house was a wreck!

>

Pushing Through The Flu and Still Blessed

2011-04-15T06:00:00.012-05:00

This week is gone.

In a hurricane of sick and puke and poop and tears, this week rattled our foundation and shook us to the ground. We survived our first child coming down with the flu. It's amazing to me how much I still am a "new parent". I get lost in our routine, confidently providing all the daily tasks and I forget that she is still our first born. Every experience we have with her will be our first....the good and the bad.

For one week, my house has stayed clean with no toys spread across the floor.

For one week, the TV wasn't on and no cartoons were watched.

For one week, I didn't have to prepare any breakfast, lunch or dinner for my family.

For one week, I didn't get to tickle, or throw my toddler in the air.

For one week, our blinds were drawn and our living room became a quiet dark place of healing for a tiny body on the floor.

For one week, I didn't read any books, or play "My Little Pony".

For one week, I had no one to tuck in, tell stories to or blow kisses at night.

For one week, I missed out on countless conversations with my miniature best friend. I wasn't asked any questions or requested to sit on the floor and draw.

For one week, I didn't have any sing-a-longs to Christmas music.

For one week, there were almost no dishes.

For one week, there was no dancing, no talent shows, no jumping jacks or pig tails.

And I hated it.
I hated every quiet second of it. It's been years since our home was so still. It felt like time just stopped. The bustle of our lives, the noise, the tripping on toys, the sound of her voice was such a constant in my world....I forgot what it was like without it. It made me think back to our life before children, and I wondered how I ever dealt with the quiet. It must have been so boring. What did we do every day? Who were we? I can't really remember how we functioned with out her. I thought about all the times I wished I could just have one day to work on craft projects, clean, paint a room, talk on the phone without interuption. I thought about the moments I'd wish for those things and I realized how selfish it was. It's her who gives me purpose. Until she was born, I didn't have a grip on who I was at all. Being her mother is a gift. One I need to appreciate more.

I walked around this house in the dead, dark quiet and wanted nothing more than for her to wake up and bring our family to life again. The silence was painful. She brings the color to our world. Not my latest project, or my newest recipe, or anything else I ever thought was something I was missing out on.

My biggest issue with this flu was that I had no point of reference. I had no experience to go off of for me to gauge how bad it was or wasn't. I've never had the flu. (i know right?!) and I've never experienced anyone else who has, let alone a small child. I didn't know what to expect. I didn't know what was happening. I didn't know what to do.

And now I do.

Boy do I ever. I must have cleaned up gallons of puke and wiped her soupy- poopy butt clean every hour. Now I know. And I will never forget. As always, the lessons I cherish from experiences like this are best when reflected upon. I'm just not good at absorbing them when I'm in the moment. I'm too scared to see I guess. But, once the storm has calmed...and I'm feeling my two feel on familiar territory again, I begin to pick it apart and see what I've learned this time.

And what did I learn?

I'm stronger than I even know. And in my darkest time, I still have the self awareness to gain and keep some level of composure in front of my child....even if it means wailing in the bathroom during her nap. I can be strong for her. I can show her a face of confidence and calm and she had no idea I was a screaming freak on the inside.

Prayer keeps me calm. Even if I'm just crying to God, I still feel a sense of peace when I'm done. It's something I promised to myself after my miscarriage. I would give all my fears, worry, frustration and even violent anger to God when I felt it. I'd let Him in. I wouldn't shut Him out.

My way of navigating though hard times isn't wrong. It's mine to own. I'm not the most gracious person under pressure, especially when my child is involved. But I try my best. And I don't give up. And if I'm a slobbering, snotty mess through it...I still get it done.

My anxiety is something I have to learn to accept and love as much as the best of me. It's not going anywhere and each time it's tested: I am brought to a new level of coping with it and understanding it. I. Will. Always. Worry. And that's okay.

My marriage is beyond solid. Every time Jon and I are faced with trauma (my miscarriage) or a challenge, we band together and fight the exact same way. We don't even need to speak. We work like a well oiled machine. Each of us knowing the next move to make. When she would puke, he would be the sheet remover, and cleaner....I would start the bath and grab the cup of water.....all without a word to each other. We just knew. The love and concern he showed her was beyond infinite. I have never seen love like that from a man toward his child. Often times she would ask for him because of his ability to comfort her. And I would have tears in my eyes, watching him lay right on the floor next to her, rubbing her back and kissing her head. It was beautiful and if I thought I couldn't love him anymore, I was dead wrong. He really is the father I dreamed about having myself as a child and I'm so thankful my children have him.

My blog friends and relationships are as precious as gold to me. I am so thankful for those of you who commented with support, and took the time to email me and help me through this. I have such a community of strong, knowledgeable ladies in my life and I'm reminded again, of what a treasure you are in my world.

I'm reminded how blessed I am to stay home with her during these times. I didn't have to call in sick to work. I didn't have to cover any of my shifts. I didn't have to beg someone to come watch her puke while I went to work. I have the gift of giving my sick child my full attention with no distractions at all. This is something I learned to appreciate so much more.

The most important lesson I learned was that children are a blessing. She is my blessing. And I needed this reality check to teach me how lucky I am to have her. When I'm ignoring her requests "Mommy play with me!" so I can finish uploading photos on my blog, or see what's going on with Twitter....those days are gone. Starting now, there will be no more internet during the day. I've realized just how addicted I am to it. If I want to catch up on blogs, or edit photos or sneak on facebook.....I need to be doing it in the morning before she wakes up or at night after she goes to bed. Because this week, all I wanted was to jump on our bed with her and play with her. I had all the time in the world to surf the net and blog and edit photos but it meant nothing. Time is slipping through my fingers with this child, this is my last year home with her before she goes to pre-school and shame on me for wasting as much of it as I have.

We're aren't through it quite yet, but she is on the mend, and so are we. I have hope that our twirling dancing girl will be up and running before we know it. And I will be left with a new experience and lots of humbling moments.

And this is parenting.

I'm looking forward to seeing this bright eyed girl again. My God I love her so.

Sophie Update

2011-04-13T11:07:00.000-05:00

The flu.

And I feel guilty even blogging right now, (she's sleeping) but this space is a place to document our lives and this is our life right now. My child is battling her first (and I'm sure not last) bout with the flu. I've spent hours on the phone with the Nurse Line, and very minimal searching online and some chatting with my resident Mama who knows all- my dear friend Alyssa. And now, I'm 100% sure it's the flu.

Yesterday we were all rolling on about 1.5 hours of sleep as the poor thing was up every hour puking. Last night, she slept through the night all the way till 5 am when she asked for water, and then puked it up. And now today, she's been sleeping on and off and has thrown up twice.

I don't think there is a worse pain in the world than watching your child suffer. I keep trying to stay in the reality of this and remind myself that everyone gets the flu. It won't last forever. She's going to be fine. I have found that exhaustion and stress cause my "crazy genes" to appear and they fill my head with terrible thoughts and trick me into thinking this is worse than it is. I've already gone to the place of her dying from this.
yep. I went there.
I imagined that we'd be one of the family statistics who had a child die from the flu in 2011. The comment: "Babies and Old People die from the flu every year" rings over and over in my head from all the stupid vaccine commercials you see for the flu shot on tv. The bad side of my brain tells me we could be the next family to experience that.

I told you I'm crazy right now.

I tip-toe in between being a warrior mom and a complete mess. One minute I'm hopeful, knowing this is going to get better...giving her the fluids she needs, tucking her sheet around her tightly, singing her to sleep. The next minute, I'm a wreck. A bumbling, bawling, slobbering sack of sad, crying to the nurse on the phone begging her to tell me she's not going to die. For real. I'm that mom.

I'm sure the pregnancy hormones are not helping me at all to stay on the side of sane. I totally forgot how intense every emotion is when you are pregnant. Everything is amplified a million percent for me. Every stressful moment is blown up in my face like an atomic bomb. As my little one is kicking inside my belly, I'm wondering if she'll ever get to meet her big sister who could be dying from the flu.

I told you I'm crazy right now.

I take great pride in the fact that over the years, I feel I'm a recovering drama queen. But when I'm faced with circumstances that are out of my control and I feel help-less, the drama queen re-appears.

Facts:
Her puking has starting to subside. She went from throwing up every hour, to every 2, to now every 6 or so.

She has gone pee twice and it was a good amount both times (helping ease my mind about dehydration)

She has eaten 4 crackers and a 2 bites of toast.

She won't refuse liquids

Fears:
She's exhausted and won't stop sleeping.

Slight fever- about 100

Sometimes won't even talk to us, (but she did call me "bossy" for taking her temp-so that's a good thing)

Not eating

Her pain. I can hear her belly rumbling and see her face crumple every time she knows she's going to puke again. She starts yelling "NO! I don't wanna!" and it breaks my heart.

She's not interested in the tv, or reading a book, or cuddling. Just wants to lay on the floor on her little bed and not be moved.

Usually I'm so very P.C on this blog, but today I don't care.

This F-ing sucks.

I know this is just a right of passage for being a parent, and it's a road I've yet to travel. I'm stumbling along like an idiot, beside myself with anxiety and I fricking hate it. I don't think I'm very good at it. I want to be the logical, calm mamma who knows everything is going to be okay. I want to understand just what to do to make this better for her, and I can't.
I can't.
I can't.

I have to sit back and let this virus tear my kid apart and watch it happen. I go from being sad, to defeated, to worried, to pissed off all in a span of about 20 min. When I deal with this, it makes me want to never leave the house and home school my kid so she never has to be exposed to germs again.

I told you I'm crazy right now.

Everyone's kids get sick. Everyone feel this as some point or another. This is the pit of parenting. One of the lessons we sign up for when we make the choice to create a human. Never in my life could I have imagined the hurt I would feel watching my child suffer. It's an emotion I didn't even know existed. The urgency to fix her is so primal I can barely stand it. The fear of the unknown is so heavy I can feel it crushing my bones.

And the moment is:
My child is sick with the flu. She's not dying. She's not going to die from this. She's sick. This happens. Her body will fight it and the best I can do is offer her fluids and love. If she doesn't get better by tonight, we will take her to Urgent Care. We will pray for her health and everything will be fine.
The end.

And can you believe I've signed up to do this all over again. And probably again someday?

This is where I will be, until we turn the corner back to normal. I hope it's sooner than later.

This Mamma Needs Advice! Sick Kid!

2011-04-12T00:00:00.001-05:00

Oh friends.

I'm currently up to my elbows (literally) in a sea of 2 year old vomit.

Ever been there?

Poor Sophie ate her lunch and after she seemed very relaxed. Not herself. She just laid on the couch and didn't move for over 2 hours. I did the usual "mommy" steps (the one's I know), checked her temp, asked if she was okay, gave her water, cuddled her. No temp, and just the complaint about a belly ache.

This has happened before, and my instincts were telling me to watch out on the horizon. Whenever she gets too still, something isn't right.

Before I became a mom I had no idea how much kids puked. And with such flair and zest. When I get sick, I wallow for hours and pace back and forth to the toilet before letting myself actually throw up. Sophie, it seems....just lets it all out with no preparation. So, as I expected and should have planned for, with a cough and a gurgle she let it all out.

All over the couch.
All over her blanket.
All over her pillow.
All over me.

Chunks and chunks of vomit. And it's been that way pretty much every hour for the last 4 hours. She is throwing up everything, even the water we gave her and now it's just bile.

Now, comes the Mama help I need: Does anyone else's kid just randomly throw up if they have a bad reaction to food? I'm assuming it's not the flu because there is no poop or temp at all. This has happened to us before, when she's eaten something that didn't agree with her. Do kids stomach's just have a super sensitive reaction to certain food? We assume it was the pizza because Jon wasn't feeling well either. I didn't have any (bless this pregnancy heartburn for preventing that!) and I'm fine so far. I just hate the unknown. My instincts are to discover what caused it so I can avoid it forever and ever in the future. Is that impossible when you have a toddler? Should I just cave to the fact that kids randomly throw up? H-E-L-P!

Now, if you will excuse me...while she rests on her little bed we made on the living room floor, I'm going to try to rinse off this lingering stench of puke I sniff all over myself. Preparing for the long night ahead!

Thank you so much for any and all advice. I really just want to avoid "google" at all costs, most times when I go there looking for answers I leave with way too many horrible stories in my head and I'm rushing to the ER thinking my kid caught the bird flu or something. I'll lean on my logical, calm, experienced group of mama's instead!

Class Is In Session

2011-04-11T00:00:00.005-05:00

I'm at it again.

In my never ending search of soaking in all things photography, I'm not taking my 3rd course with sweet Faith over at Simplicity.

The class is called "Simply Bliss" and it's all about photographing children!

I don't know about you, but I'm in a constant state of never feeling like I've learned enough. This goes for everything in my life. The minute I'm patting myself on the back for some great achievement, I'm noticing someone else who has accomplished something really cool and I think to myself, "Now I wanna do that."

And here I am, resting on Faith to show me how to take better photographs of my children. Because, as much as I love taking photographs of other people's children....let's be honest. It's all about mine! Sorry, any parent understands that!

And for your viewing delight, here are my "assignments" from this week...the subject was shooting with indoor light.

And, it's Easter Month so lets get some hopping in shall we?

GIVEAWAY WINNERS ANNOUNCED!!!

2011-04-08T00:07:00.001-05:00

Oh friends.

You've been so patient.

And kind.

I thank you for being so understanding as this post has been a looooooong time coming! You are little troupers and all deserve to win! Each time I drew a new winner I'd have a sea of emotions, mostly like this: "Oh yeah!! Good for her!! She's going to be so excited!

And then it would quickly be replaced with, "Oh man. That means "so and so" didn't win. That sucks. I feel bad."

And I endured these highs and lows seven times in a row as I let random.org seal the fate for some very lucky gals. I was all set to do this in a vlog post, but yesterday I made the mistake of sitting outside with no sunscreen on while we were at the park. Of course I put it on my child, but forgot myself. And now I'm rocking a face that resembles a cherry tomato! I'm so not kidding. I look like I just got back from Mexico on spring break. Red face=bad vlogging. So for your viewing pleasure, I decided against taping myself in this condition.

Besides, I know what you are all thinking: "Chana! We don't give a hoot about a lobster faced vlog post you didn't record! We want to know who won the giveaways you've been taunting us with for so long! Shut it and spill the beans already!"

And here we go. I'm sorta sad it's over! But SO excited for the handful of you who won! I was going to put all the names in a bucket and draw them, but quickly realized it would be June before I finished. So I used random.org and I tried so hard to figure out how to do a screen shot of each winner's number chosen but I just couldn't figure it out. So please know that I promise with a girl scouts honor that each number chosen is the true winner, and I did not cheat or allow any funny business in any way shape or form. Cross my heart!

ALRIGHT!

Enough chit chat. Let it begin:

The winner of the Paper Mama Blog Banner or Photo Touch up is............

Comment # 15- Nen from Living the Small Town Life!

The winner of the beautiful necklace from Sugar Maple Drive is..............

Comment #10- Amber Dawn from Walking on Sunshine!

The winner of your choice of apron, clutch or whatever you decide at Tauna Lane Designs is.......

Comment #17- Courtney Keb from LoveLove!

The winner of the adorable hand crafted Easter sculptures from Indigo Twin is.......

Comment #14- Dazee Dreamer from Crazy Daze & Night Dreams!

The winner of the $15.00 gift certificate for Coffee and Cream's etsy shop is........

Comment #1- Cortney from Indigo Twin!

The winner of the $50.00 gift certificate toward a blog design from Pretty Lovely Design is........

Comment #5- Sarah Max's Mommy or as I like to refer to her "mommy elephant"!

The winner of the Scissor Savvy little Golden Book journal is..........

Comment #3- MrsMOE from Homeschooling While Living the Life of Easier!

I don't know if I have enough words to express how excited I am for all of you!! If you could have seen me jumping up and down with my bowl of Lucky Charms sloshing around, you would know how thrilled I am for you!

You each have one week to contact me and let me know you won! If I haven't heard from you in a week (of course I'll be staking you that whole week till I do hear!) I will re-draw the prize and random.org will select a new winner. Please email me at chanamarielynn@yahoo.com with the subject "I won!" I will then give you the proper contact information so you can connect with your prize holder and start soaking up your big win!!

And to the "maybe next time" gals (because I hate the word loser) , please don't feel bad!! I've entered hundreds of giveaways and won maybe 3!! I promise when I'm making big Oprah bucks someday you'll all win!

My Spring Wreath

2011-04-07T00:00:00.003-05:00

Alright, alright!

I'm officially admitting that I'm a big fat baby!

After all my complaining about the snow and cold, it's finally over! It's gone! Just a few random patches of snow here and there, but for the most part I'm declaring spring! I'm doing it, and I don't care who doesn't agree! If I can step outside with out the sound of crunching snow under my feet, that's spring enough for me!

In the essence of the season I adore so much (really i adore any season that isn't winter), I've created a little sweet something to hang on our door. Hoping to let the neighbors heed my warning that they need to remove their snow inspired mats and wreaths now please!

Ladies (and maybe a few gentlemen?), here is my very first, very own, hand made "Spring Celebration" wreath.

Because I couldn't call it my "Dear God thank you for getting me through this horrible winter with all my hair still in my head and no crazy pills" Wreath.

I started with a $3.00 on sale wreath from Micheals and added some easter themed garland to it with the trusty hot glue gun.

The garland was on sale for about $1.50! I love a deal!

I bought a little nest and added my own eggs and decorations to it. I was going to wire it to the wreath somewhere, but I glued the birdie on the wrong way so I couldn't use it in this project. I have another wreath I'm designing that I'm hoping to use it on! Man, I was bummed!

You see, this is the angle it would have been on the wreath. I should have glued it to the top of the nest so you wouldn't be looking down on it's back. Oh well! Lesson learned! Lucky for me, I found a different inspiration I enjoy just as much.

I went with this idea instead. My grandma gave me a dollar store frame and I wrapped in in a sheer purple ribbon and added the letters and glitter to the middle. Mrs. Pink birdie's brother, Mr. Yellow is perched forever on top!

Here we go! The final look!

It was a little windy so Mr. Yellow is looking a little ruffled up in most of these shots!

These 3 puff paper balls were $2.00 a piece! By far the most expensive addition to the wreath. But so worth it to me, I know some crafty goddess out there can make these herself, but this mama was looking for easy and sometimes that's worth spending a little dough!

I love the bow! The ribbon was on clearance for $1.00!! Yippie!

Pretty season wreath done!

The end.

My Husband Is Such A Man

2011-04-06T00:00:00.001-05:00

As some of you know, I'm from Wisconsin.

It's the land of cheese, beer, woods and guns. It's a place of scenic delight with fields of corn, rows of trees and farms. When I brought Jon home for the first time, I remember sitting outside on my moms deck as it was just getting dark. The sky was black, and life was still. I'll never forget what he said, "I can see all the stars and it's just so quiet."

Two things I had never even thought about when I lived there. It's beyond quiet there. It's the kind of quiet you can't replicate any other place on earth. I think he was shocked that I came from that, considering when he met me I was living on one of the busiest streets in Minneapolis.

From my apartment, at least every 10 minutes you would hear an ambulance blaring. A car bumping with bass. A drunk couple fighting as they stumbled down the sidewalk coming home from the bar. A horn honking. In the 10 years I'd been living in the "big city" those sounds were now my new normal. The constant noises of the humming city cradled me to sleep and made me feel safe. In fact, when I went home to the farm.....I found it too quiet. And I missed the bustle of the city.

Now I crave that silence. I long for a night where I can step outside in the dark and hear nothing but the crickets and horses snorting. Funny how life can do that.

I do have a point.

Although we don't live in Wisconsin (yet) I always wondered which parts of it my husband would adopt. He's never been the "outdoor" guy. He grew up competing in swim meets and playing basket ball. His dad didn't expose him to nature, or the woods, or hunting or guns. They were city people. To the very bone. It's honestly why I was attracted to him. I like a clean shaven city guy. I love seeing him all dressed up in his suit and tie for work. It's exactly how I'd imagine my husband would be.

Which is why I was so shocked when he shared with me that he wanted to buy a gun.

My dad owns guns. My brother owns guns. My grandpa owns guns. My uncles all own guns. I'm not scared of guns. I've even took a hunters safety course with my brother in highschool! *insert gasp here*

I was just blown away that my city man would ever be interested in owning a gun! So away we trotted into new territory and he did his research and found a few guns he thought would be the best for home protection. And lets be honest, he thinks they look bad-ass too. And since Mama gets a fancy camera and all the blogging time in the world, why not let Daddy have a few guns. As long as they are locked up (and they are) and safe away from our children....I don't care.

And it was this last weekend that he finally got to experience shooting them for the first time. My dad was kind enough to set up a little shooting range at his place for Jon and our friend Brian to shoot till their little trigger fingers fell off. What a sight it was.

Lets just say, by the end of the day we were looking for a red bandanna to tie around their heads because they thought they were Rambo. It was quite the alternate universe. Both these man wear suits and ties to work and sit at computers most of the day for a living. So to see them out in the elements with their man blood pumping through their veins, well....I just couldn't pass up the photo shoot.

Bah!
I know my watermark is cut off in most of them but I'm too tired to fix it. Forgive my bloggie lazy self today m'kay? Thanks much!

I'm PREGNANT!

2011-04-05T00:00:00.002-05:00

It occurred to me the other day, that although I announced my pregnancy a few weeks ago in a vlog post....some of you may have not watched it. Or maybe you didn't want to sit through the 8 min of me rambling?! In which case, I don't blame you!

I figured that since I'm 5 months along now....I should probably make an official announcement on my blog that I am, indeed, with child!

Because, as you know.....if you don't announce big news on your blog, facebook or twitter....."it isn't real."

At least that was the way I was feeling this weekend when I announced my pregnancy to my family for the first time. I can't remember who said it, but the remark was "Well! I can't believe you didn't say anything on facebook about this!" I just chuckled. Ahhh, the world we live in now. Yes. Believe it or not, people still do like to use their mouths and share intimate information in person these days! It's crazy, I know!

So in the spirit of embracing the social network site I love to hate, I'll be making my "official" facebook announcement today as well. If ya can't beat em, join em I guess!

Want to meet the nugget?

Here is the typical, adorable profile shot.

It's okay if you are creeped out by this one. I was too. Don't tell. It's the eye sockets and skeleton face that was a little intense to begin with.
This is the image of the baby facing the camera, with it's sweet little arms and hands tucked under it's face sleeping like an angel on it's side? Can you see it? My mom couldn't so don't feel bad if you can't.

And Sophie has her own little announcement to make as well. She wore this at our little farm family gathering this weekend. She was quite proud to tell everyone she was having a baby sister!!!

That's right!
A girl.
A girl.
A girl.

Another girl! Yippie!

Really, I know it's cliche. But I honestly didn't care what it was. And of course, there is always the chance that the ultra sound tech could have been wrong. But for now...I'm going with what my gut was telling me all along. We are having another daughter.
Jon was quite funny about it. When the ultra sound tech asked if there was anything else we'd like to see before we finished up he said, "Yeah, a penis?"

Oh poor Jon, he's out-numbered again...but I think he secretly will love it later. And I know we'll have our boy one day. For some reason, I just don't think this will be our last baby.

For now, I'm going to enjoy my second trimester and adore these tiny little kicks I'm feeling. I'm beginning the process of accepting this huge change in our lives!

(giveaway friends! I promise I'm announcing the winners this week! I'm just in a post-farm trip hangover. We're unpacking and organizing our lives for the week and I want to tape a vlog post for the winners so hang tight!)

Farming on a Friday

2011-04-01T01:26:00.001-05:00

God Bless The Farm.

I will be in my favorite place on earth this weekend, for the first time since Christmas- (that's sad).

I'll be looking at this as I drive down the driveway:

And I'll be sure to stop and say "hi" to these guys:

Maybe I'll hop in this and cruise around:

I just might pick a few of these: (okay, i won't....they don't pop up till june:)

I always head over to the apple tree corner:

And see if they are growing any of these:

We'll sit a spell and have a little photo shoot over here on the round bails of hay:

Or we may hook up the horses to one of these and trot around:

Sophie will for sure want to jump on this and take it for a spin:

And I'll be breathing in the country air, asking myself (as I do every time I go home) why on earth I ever moved away from this heaven and when can we move back?

The Farm= LOVE.

Since I'll be gone all weekend, I wanted to remind you of my giveaways that are ending so you can be sure to sign up to win!

Ending Friday, April 1st: Coffee and Cream $15.00 gift certificate toward anything in her shop!

Ending Sat, April 2nd: Pretty Lovely Designs $50.00 gift certificate toward blog makeover!

Ending Sun, April 3rd Sissor Savvy choice of any homemade journal in her shop!

Any comments made after midnight on the days giveaways end will not be counted in final drawing.
Good luck!

Shoot and Edit: Green (photography mumbo jumbo)

2011-03-31T10:25:00.003-05:00

As I said before, I'm stepping outside of my warm safe cave of blogging this week. I'm sticking my neck out to join in on some photography link ups I've been secretly jealous of.

Ashley Sisk from Ramblings and Photos is having us link up our edited shots of "green". Remember yesterday when I posted my kid rocking the side ponytail? My job was to edit it the best I could, using Ashley's prompts and help. And although I was afraid for many reasons....one being that I didn't photograph grass. I still could use the basic steps and follow along.

Another reason I've been so timid to join in on her editing parties is because I edit in Lightroom and not Photoshop.

Confession:
I have Photoshop Elements 9. And I have just about every action downloaded from Paint the Moon, Coffee shop Blog and Pioneer Woman!
But guess what?
I've edited about 5 photos using that program. And then I got frustrated and gave up. Luckily, my friend Alyssa is holding my hand and making me give it another shot.

I have yet to find anyone in the internet land who does tutorials on their blogs using Lightroom only to edit. I kept hoping I would, but it seems that if anyone does have it, they do a few edits in there....and move on to some version of Photoshop.

Lightroom is great, and I love it. I find it so peaceful and when I get comfortable in a space....I'm like a turtle and I hate poking my head out. I just know PSE offers way more advanced edits as far as portraits and I WANT to use all the beautiful actions I have! I just need to jump in feet first, soon I'm hoping to start that journey. again.

Here is my un-edited shot again:

And I have two, edits to offer. Both are very subtle in their differences.

In Lightroom we don't have "actions"....we have "presets" which are pretty much the same thing. I used a pre-set called "RAWsome". And then I did some tweaking.

I toned down the exposure a touch.

I darkened my darks and shadows because she was looking a little washed out and needed more dimension.

In Lightroom you have the option to adjust the saturation and tone of the whole image as well, but you can also pick specific colors to punch up if you want. So I adjusted the green of course, the hue, saturation and luminance sliders all moved up, just a hint. It was hard to find the perfect tone of green, because her Popsicle was starting to look like it was glowing!! I also touched up the red in her lips, I wanted them to look like they were cold and red from eating the Popsicle. And I added a bit more blue to her eyes.

I found the SOOC to have a lot of noise. So I did some noise reduction, which is a God send to me in Lightroom. I can't tell you how many photos have been saved by that function. I hate noise. With a passion!

I added some highlights and a touch of "fill light" to help counteract the darks and shadows I added for dimension. It brightened up her face a bit more which added a nice contrast (i believe:)

Slapped a watermark on it, and we're done!

And here is another, just a tiny bit different....not sure if anyone will even notice the difference?

I know!
It looks pretty much the same. And really....it almost is.

I didn't use any preset with this edit. Sometimes I like to try to do things on my own. I mean, someone designed each action/preset we use to make our lives easier right? But they had to discover those steps somehow. So often, I'll try to challenge myself to find my own way. And I am proud to say....I have some of my very own presets I've designed and made myself saved in my Lightroom program!

So anyway, my edits for this.
Pretty much the same as my first shot, only no preset.

I tried a different green tint this time, just for a change.

I played with the exposure, needing to brighten up her face.

Added some darks and shadows.

And everything else is the same as above!

So there ya go! If anyone catches this and has any advice....I'm all ears!! This was fun!

And because I said I'm a joiner this week:

It's my second edit, not the first I'm entering!

I'm adding this shot to the Paper Mama Photo Challenge! A different Version of "Sweet"!

Don't forget today is the last day to enter the Indigo Twin giveaway! We are giving away a set of adorable Easter sculptures! Head over to sign up, comments made after midnight will not be counted in final drawing!

Some Leaves and Some Green

2011-03-30T00:00:00.003-05:00

I'm totally feeling like a joiner this week! Too often I'm the gal who cruises the photo challenges and marvels at everyone else's work.

Seriously, have you seen some of the photography these people put out there? Remarkable.

I've decided to try my best to join in on each photography challenge that inspires me. The thing I love the most about these challenges, is they offer me the inspiration to blow the dust off my lens cap and get my butt out doing what I love.

Believe it or not, I don't always love taking pictures. Maybe it's because of the weather and I haven't much to photograph. Either way, I adore the feeling of an "assignment" and also getting to meet new and awesome photographers who remind me why I love this art so much.

So, on that note:

Here's me putting my party pants on and getting involved!

First:

Jill Samter and Ashley Sisk offer the coolest weekly photography lesson in editing. I've been drooling over their posts for weeks. All you have to do is post a "straight out of the camera" photo using the assignment prompts they offer and then follow Ashley's edits and post your edited version when you are done!

This week's lesson was "green". And I almost didn't join in, just because there is no such thing as "green" in Minnesota right now. I mean....okay, that's a bit dramatic. Of course I could bundle up in the 30 degree weather and stomp through the snow, shovel a patch of wet, yucky grass to snap a pic of. But who wants to see that?

So instead, I plopped my kid in front of her green wall in her room. I gave her my favorite preggie treat at the moment, the blessed lime Popsicle, and threw her hair in an awesome 80's side pony with a polka dot bow.

There.

Green done the "Chana" way.

I'm dying to edit this!! My teeth are clenched leaving it so bare, I know there is so much work to be done!

Next:

I'm again, joining in with Simplicity's photo challenge, "Flowers and Leaves".

This was taken this fall just before the snow fell and we were lost in the sea of white. I hope it's not cheating that I'm posting a photo from a few months ago! But we have no leaves or flowers to photograph around here yet! Unless I drag my camera to the grocery store and lay on the floor in the floral department like a crazy lady snapping photos of their tulips!

Hey....maybe that's a good idea?!

Psssst.....

Today is the last day to enter my giveaway for Tauna Lane Designs! She is giving away adorable handmade clutch purses and aprons! Your pick! Comments made after midnight tonight will not be counted in final drawing!

SWEET... I'm in the top 5! Can I get a vote?

2011-03-29T10:08:00.002-05:00

Yippie!!

My cupcake love/obsession is serving me a very magical purpose!

I made the top 5 over at Simplicity's photo challenge!

There is some pretty stiff competition, believe me. Such talented gals in the top 5. (you might faint over the adorable duckling photo like I did!) But I'm asking, if you think I so deserve.....would you vote for me?

Please?!

Thank you so much! Head right HERE to be brought to her post to see the voting poll!

ps....it's the last day sign up to win in the Sugar Maple Drive giveaway! A free hand designed necklace is yours for the taking! Comments made after midnight tonight will not be counted in the final drawing!

I Still See My Baby

2011-03-28T10:53:00.002-05:00

Just about everyday I look at my child and I am amazed at how she looks like a little girl now. I secretly morn for my chubby cheeked wiggly baby who used to toddle around my feet.

Each time I take a photo of her, I look at it and see the subtle differences only a mother would notice.

The shape of her face is longer.
The definition in her cheeks is coming forward, and she's losing the squishy-ness they used to have.
Her eyes are losing the gleam of "wonder" and now hold more of a "mischievous" gleam wondering what she can get away with today.

I tend to feel a mixture of sadness and pride when I notice any changes. (more sadness than pride usually)

But every so often, I get a gem.

I'll take a photo of her and catch her in a moment that reminds me she's still my baby. Like the shot above.

Her belly, full of spaghetti noodles is puffing out ever so slightly.
Her face is stained with just the hint of orange from the sauce.
Her expression is one of innocence.

I feel like I get to step back in time for just a tiny second and remember who she was and how far we've come. I doubt I'll ever stop seeing my "baby" in her. I think that's just how it is when you are a mom.

We are two months away from her third birthday. And that's one more year closer to four, then five, then six.

And I hate it.

So for the next few months.....I'm clinging to what I've got. I just keep repeating over and over,

"She's still two. She's still two. She's still two."

And she's still my baby.
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OH! OH! OH!
I almost forgot!
Today is the last day to enter the Paper Mama Giveaway I have going on! You could win a free banner or a photo touch up! Click HERE to be directed to my post so you can sign up to win!

Comments will close at midnight tonight! If I fall asleep and forget to close them, (hey i'm human!) then I will just disregard any comments that were made after midnight tonight! Good luck!

Giveaway Updates

2011-03-25T00:48:00.001-05:00

I can hear the collective sigh of "Waaah- Waaaah" from my fellow bloggie readers.

I mean, how much more boring can it get than a cheap mini-post about my giveaways?

I'm going to try to jazz it up as much as I can for you folks, but I'm guessing to those who have entered some or all of my giveaways.....this won't be boring to them.

It's really just a reminder post, that starting Monday...the first of my giveaways will be ending! And each one will end every day after that. SO... if you haven't already, scroll my giveaway section in the left top sidebar there and start signing yourself up to WIN!

I will be announcing all the winners in one post sometime during the week of April 4th. I'm hoping to do in in a vlog, but I'll also leave a post with it as well, so if you are at work or if you are juggling kiddies, you can just scroll quick to see if you won!

And, one more thing:

I have an appointment today. An appointment that will hopefully lead to a very special announcement later on in the week. An appointment that means a big big change for our family. Some of you can probably guess what kind of an appointment it is, some....maybe not? Either way, as much as I H-A-T-E doing this to you (hee-hee) you'll have to wait and see if this appointment indeed brings some news to our world!

Hows that for a weekend cliff-hanger?!

We Patiently Wait

2011-03-24T00:51:00.000-05:00

I know everyone is sick of the Midwestern folks complaining about the snow.

I know I'm sick of being a Midwestern folk who complains about the snow.

I have to tell you though. Because I just have to okay. Please forgive.

I was again, coaxed into the lie that spring was upon us. I was scurrying around our home like a squirrel on caffeine doing the hardest spring cleaning training I've done in years. Maybe it's a pre-nesting thing too? I'm not sure. Either way, I took this place by the horns and I shook every last bit of winter-y clutter from it's clenches.

I packed up all the hats, mittens and scarves.
I cleaned out and re organized every closet.
I went through every article of Sophie's clothing, packed up all the winter sweaters, coats and wool items, replacing them with her vibrant spring colored attire.
I packed up the boots (remember the snow was almost gone) and I dug out our rain boots for puddle stomping, and our sneakers for the walks we were sure to be taking after dinner very soon.

I took my girl on a nice spring bike ride. Pulling her in the cart behind me. (ps- found out after that ladies who are 19 weeks pregnant are not supposed to bike ride....who knew?)

I even went so far as to take my little Micheal's coupon to the store and buy all the fixings to make the most beautiful spring/Easter wreath for our front door. I filled my basket with every pastel colored goodie I could find and couldn't wait to fire up the glue gun and make some magic!

AHEM

Excuse me while I clear my throat here for a minute.

As I mentioned, every ounce of that spring energy was sucked away as I woke up to another 8 inches of snow covering our world.....again.

I felt like the wind got knocked out of me as I opened the shades to let in the morning light and to again marvel at the yellow brown patches of grass everywhere. But, they were gone. Nothing now but white.

white.
white.
white.

So, as my breath was removed from my body and I literally let out a mini shriek. I have been stumbling around in a mini "i hate you winter" depression and all my pastel colored dreams have been buried with the grass I was so fond of looking at.

The wreath will have to wait. I feel like it's January here and gluing pink hydrangea flowers to my birds nest inspired creation just doesn't feel right when I really feel like taking my hair dryer in the back yard and melting the snow myself.

But at least I have a special someone to spend my days with who totally hates winter as much as me. When she woke up, she raced to the window, and exclaimed "Oh NO Mommy! Not AGAIN!"

And I knew how she felt. We have a list of "no-no" words no one is allowed to use in this house. Of course, the swear words are at the top of the list, but we have our own little Wood versions as well:

Fat
Ugly
Stupid
Shut Up

and....
Hate.

The only time I've ever allowed her to use the word hate is when she said, "I hate winter"

Well, guess what sweetheart? I hate it too. And we don't have to pretend like we don't.

But the coolest part, is staring at this little face while we hate winter together.

Homemade Jewelery Holder (getting my craft on)

2011-03-23T00:52:00.000-05:00

Every now and then I impress myself with the amount of ambition I can muster up when I get the crafty bug up my little booty.

For the longest time I have been meaning to make a homemade jewelery holder. I'm ashamed to say, my stash of jewelery is more like a heap of tangled chains and pendants. Anytime I want to wear anything, it would take me about 45 minutes just to unleash it from the snarled mess.

When my sweet and unbelievably talented friend Alyssa sent me her stash of Etsy goodness, I knew I had to make it finally. Her shop that has been put on temporary rest until she becomes the famous children's book author I know she is destined to be and then she can stay home and write books and craft all day.

Her work is just adorable. And I knew her pieces could not be shoved into the sad pile of my neglected jewelery.

They needed a space of their own, a home where they could be a show case.

And so I began a project I've been meaning to do for months.

This has been hanging in our bathroom forever. And I hate it. It was on clearance for 10 bucks and I always had the intention of re-purposing it somehow. (news flash: that was over a year ago) Finally I had the perfect excuse!

Pretty paper squares will be the perfect backdrop for such delightful nuggets of cuteness!

I tried to make them all 4x4, but I swear one of my eyes must be crooked. I can never measure anything right! Probably why I won't be offering my submission to Project Runway anytime soon. Unless they allow glue guns and Mod Podge?

Let the magic begin! I live and die by Mod Podge. It is just my creative life saver!

Drying off and waiting for pretties!

Yeah!! Here we go! Anything you see with a pretty fabric flower is something Alyssa made. So cute right? Now you understand why they needed a space all their own!

I'm so happy with how it turned out!

Now I can sit and marvel at them the way they deserve!

Now, I just need a social life so I have somewhere to wear them all too!

Sweet

2011-03-22T00:32:00.001-05:00

AH HA!

I knew there was a reason I decided to take photos of my cupcakes this weekend! I have been putting my piping contraption to good use and I finally got the knack of the "perfectly frosted cupcake" down! Believe me, it has been a long road getting here. So many sad wonky cupcakes have been frosted and left in shame on the kitchen counter.

But not these darlings!

These turned out so cute....I just had to give them a little photo session! And can I say, Miss Pink ate (no pun intended har-har) up the attention! She rocked her session hard core, we really had a bonding experience. Each fleck of glittery hot pink sugar sparkled just so, her perfectly twirled puff of frosting sat up proud on her head.

It was magic.

I almost begged Jon and Sophie not to eat them. I considered finding a way to preserve them forever so I could just keep them on a plate on my table and everyone who came over would think I was a cupcake making goddess.

Sadly, they were gone in a matter of days. And all I have left is our memories.

I miss her.

And like I mentioned, my session was not in vain! Faith at Simplicity has a photo challenge which is perfectly named: "Sweet."

And here is my entry for that challenge,

Feel free to join in! So fun!

A VLOG!! Rocking My Ugly Glasses

2011-03-21T00:00:00.002-05:00

I'll keep this intro short and sweet.

For this vlog, I tried a different backdrop in front of our living room window. You will see our lovely duvet cover flowing behind me. I'm going to keep trying different locations until I feel I've found the "sweet spot" on our home.

Sitting in front of a window is great for lighting, not so great for the terrible reflection in my glasses. Sorry about that!

Lots of bra strap fixing and fidgeting. I was obsessed with my trashy black bra straps sticking out of my tank top! Hey, it's a fancy day over here if I even get to wear a bra so I'm giving myself a little "pat pat" for that.

The adorable broach I'm wearing was given to me by my total BFF Alyssa from AlyGatr's Everywhere! I love it so much I wish I could dip it in chocolate and eat it. It's just too cute. (thank you alyssa!)

okay.

Now, onto the show....

Give Away Day! Sissor Savvy

2011-03-20T09:30:00.002-05:00

Welcome To Day Seven Of My Give Away Week!

You've made it to the final day of prizes!!

Today I'm featuring a gal who is overflowing with talent!

Gabby is a photographer and a single mom of 3 boys. As you can imagine, she needs excuses to have pretty, frilly and girly things in her house! She is super creative and loves taking things apart and breathing new life into them. She has quite a love affair with paper. And to add even more cute-ness, she has a sweet southern drawl.

Her shop, Scissor Savvy is full of fun little goodies for your shopping delight!

Her speciality is re-purposing the classic "Little Golden Book" children's stories we all know and love. She creates them into personal journals for you to keep your most treasured memories.

So cute right?! How original and unique!

She even does custom orders!

Can't you just see them perfectly tucked into an Easter basket this spring? Or you could make your Mama cry and give her one for Mother's Day! I just love them!

And guess what?

You get to cruise her shop and pick any item you want!!

Gabby is offering a very lucky winner full access to any item in her shop! Minus the beautiful $425.00 hand made quilt, I mean, a gals gotta make a living right? We can't blame here for that! But...anything else is yours!

She is also offering a special coupon just for Mammatown readers! 10% OFF everything in her shop including the beautiful hand made quilt! Coupon code: MAMMATOWN

And just how can you win such an adorable prize?

You must leave a comment for each individual entry in order for this to work!

1.) Mandatory Entry: Head over to Scissor Savvy and tell me what you will pick if you win!

2.) Follow my blog- one entry

3) Facebook, Tweet, or write a Blog Post about this giveaway (I have a button for you to use in your post if you like) and you will have 3 more ways to win! You will need to leave each individual link for all of these entries for you to qualify.

This giveaway is open for U.S residents only.

The comments will close in 2 weeks on April 3rd, at 11:59 Central Time.

GOOD LUCK!!

Free Sweepstakes and Contest

Selfie Saturday:Model Eyes

2011-03-20T01:21:00.001-05:00

oh boy.

I have been a secret fan of the amazing blog Selfie Magic ever since I found her through the Paper Mama photo challenge where I was a guest judge for the Simple Beauty challenge.

When I clicked on over to review her photo I nearly gasped in secret delight. My bloggie taste buds have been so used to the good old constant "meat and potato" blogs I tend to stick to....one's mostly regarding topics of Mommy Delight.

Finding Elena's space was like sticking a lemon wedge in my mouth as a palette cleanser.

I was beside myself with giddy at a blog featuring a ton of dedication to self portrait photography. As a photographer, who's been a student of photography for a while now, the topic of self portrait photography just never crossed my mind.

Ever.

Isn't that kind of sad? I mean, I focus on children, families, animals, flowers....but never ever have I ever considered turning the camera on myself. Something about the concept felt so, um....well, selfish?

I can't really explain it. It always seemed so frivolous. The idea of setting up a "shot" for myself seemed like a total waste of time when I have the worlds most adorable daughter I could be snapping photos of, or the world largest pile of laundry I should be folding, or the worlds most filthy kitchen floor I should be scrubbing.

Mom's just don't take pictures of themselves.
Photographers just don't take pictures of themselves.

Well, dare I say that the lovely and beautiful Elena may have just started a revolution over here? After all, I'm only going to be 31 once in my life. If no one is going to grab my camera from me (everyone is too scared to hold it) I guess it's up to me then. I may as well start remembering who the lady is behind the lens.

I've realized through reading and studying her tutorials that self portrait photography isn't about saying you are better or prettier than anyone else. You are simply saying "This is me." and whats shameful about that?

So with that, I'm jumping in feet first with one of the link ups I was the most terrified of.

Model Eyes.

She taught us how to squint but not really squint. She taught us to be fearless and try it.

So I did.

And I felt like a dork. I felt like the biggest dumbest dork in dorkville.

First I looked like I forgot to put my contacts in. Then I looked like I was coming down off a drug overdose and I was a Nirvana groupie from the 90's. Then I had this weird pucker mouth thing going on. Then I noticed one of my eyes squints more than the other and looks sort of "lazy". Then I hated my crooked front tooth even more than ever before.

But before it was over, I did finally find a shot (out of the 50!) that I could live with. A little Lightroom touch up and I could look at it without cringing and wanting to hide under my covers with a box of Girl Scout cookies, eating my horror and shame.

So I'm linking it. And I'm praying to the blog Gods that no one reads my blog this weekend because I usually don't post on the weekends. I'm Scared Okay?!

This is hard! And it feels so weird. But if I am put here to write love stories for others through my photography...well.....this is a part of ours. And I can't leave it out.

And Elena. If you are reading this. Keep teaching us to be brave. I will tenderly walk behind you and let myself wade into the pool of self love you so beautifully thrive in.

am i really doing this?
I. am.

And I know I still look like the Mayor of Dorkville.